24 Weeks, tomorrow! (It's Robin)

This past month has flown for me, which is a nice change of pace considering the first 20 weeks dragged.  Six months tomorrow, people!  IF for some crazy reason I had the baby there's a chance he could survive...not that I think I will--but these are all milestones!

So, Baby Boy is doing great!  I had my 24 week check up on Friday, and his heartbeat was in the normal range and I'm measuring at exactly 24 weeks.  If I'm still and laying on my back, I can even feel movement now on the outside of my stomach.  Considering this is my 5th pregnancy, I'm the smallest I've ever been size wise with this little dude.  In all honesty, I was also at my highest weight when I started this pregnancy, so I think that has something to do with it.

Now, for those of you who want to tune out (I'm going to vent here in a moment), feel free.  I've shared before that this has been a difficult pregnancy in ways I never anticipated or have experienced before.  For the past 6 weeks I've been experiencing sporadic heart racing and shortness of breath to the point it's scared me.  I talked to the doctor about it, and there isn't any arithmea (spelling?), but he thinks I'm just doing too much.  It has been really hard for me because it happens even when I'm not doing anything, and I just CAN'T BREATHE.  It's a horrible feeling.

This past week, my husband traveled, and I think the FIRST day he was gone, I called my sweet dad up in tears because I didn't think I could get through the week.  My two youngest are in HARD stages, I'm not sleeping well because of baby, getting up to pee multiple times a night, and I'm constantly shifting positions to try and get comfortable because my hips bother me a ton at night.  And on top of it all, I struggle with CHRONIC fatigue.  It's hard to explain why the fatigue is so hard to deal with when you can't SEE why I don't feel well.  And to add to it, I work from home, and started a different position, so that has added to the stress.

Back to the doctor's appointment: when I was talking with him, and he was expressing concern that I was just doing too much, I was just thinking, what do you expect me to do?  He suggested I fly someone out to help when my husband travels in January (he'll be gone even longer), AND in February when he's gone for another week.  I'd chop off my right arm if I could--but my family is far away, and you have to think of time off work, money to get them out here.  Also, my husband came home sick from New York, and my response (after the week from hell I had) was how dare you come home sick?  Crappy wife, right?  And now, I have a nasty cold.  I blame him.  Yesterday, we finally talked and I broke down and ugly cried that I was terrified to have another repeat experience in January and February.

Now onto the positive: my doctor is one of the reasons I moved forward with being a gestational carrier.  He shares my faith, and before I left the appointment, he told me he knew I was inspired to do this, and that even though it was difficult it was worth it.  His vote of confidence meant more than he'll ever know.  After weeks like this past one, when I'm asking myself over and over why I did this to myself, I felt very humbled and was reminded that there is so much more to this than just aches and pains, missing spouses, and naughty children.  I'm playing a role in someone else's ETERNAL FAMILY, and that is a gift to me.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas.  I hope that you remember the real meaning behind the season, and that the first gift of Christmas was the Savior.  Because of Him, I can get through difficult weeks.  Because of Him, I can be with my family for eternity.  Whatever faith you may be, I hope you find the strength to persevere, and find joy in your lives.  Merry Christmas!

xoxo

It's Robin-just a little update

I have finally started to feel a shift from early pregnancy symptoms to the comfortable second trimester stage.

I am 18 weeks and 5 days along, and FINALLY (as within the last week) the nausea has abated.  I still get weird hits and misses of nausea, but it's nothing like what it was.  So that's WINNING in my book!!  I was starting to feel kind of down because I just never felt good.  I'm grateful to start feeling a little bit more back to myself.

My life is busy with a work from home job, three children (4, 3, and 2), who are in constant motion, a dog who has had diarrhea for the last month, (she's finally on medication), and I'm still not sleeping well.  I'm constantly fatigued, and I get weird aches and pains from growing to accommodate Baby.  I've been overly emotional, sensitive, and on a short fuse, and now I remember why my husband swore up and down I would never be pregnant again.  ...And here we are. He really deserves an award-he's been my ROCK.  My appetite is finally starting to come back which could be a good and bad thing considering I'm really trying to watch my weight with this pregnancy.

I'm not feeling regular movement yet.  Within the last week I've felt some movement, which was easily recognizable has the baby, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's another few weeks before any regular movement starts to occur.  I was a lot like this with my little boy.  My girls I felt earlier, but my little boy started moving closer to the 24 week mark, and then he never stopped.  Maybe it's a boy thing.

I don't talk about the Baby with my children often, but I'm always so grateful when they say something and they remember he's Cristi's.  Today, my 3 year old was getting out of the car, and was hugging me, and then leaned down, and said "I need to hug the baby and kiss him," and then proceeded to kiss my tummy.  So sweet, and it just melts my heart.  Another funny thing is that my contract says I can't do high impact exercise, so when my kids are like "Mommy, run!" I'm legally obligated NOT to.  Again, WINNING!  (I actually like to run, but saying that I can't run for legal reasons is kind of funny).

I'm feeling very mentally strong as things progress and move forward.  I have absolutely no worry (at this point which is bizarre considering my biggest concern was my emotional welfare after the birth), that I'll be able to walk away without feeling a sense of loss.  Women ask me constantly how I'm able to emotionally do this, and honestly, as I get further along in the process, it gets easier for me.  I didn't want to be pregnant for myself, or bring a baby home, and this process was so manipulated that there's already a level of detachment.  My mentality is that I'm the babysitter.  I have no expectations of having a relationship with this child, and I feel myself starting to look at it just an act of service.  I'm a tool that God is using to provide something for another family, and that's a great place to be.  I hope that makes sense.

So there's the update in my life as a gestational carrier!  There is such a need for women to do this, and if you're remotely interested, look into it, and educate yourselves!  Until next time-xoxo!

16 WEEKS! (It's me again, Robin!)

Can I just say, that it is amazing that this blog gets WORLD WIDE hits!  To name a few, CYPRUS, POLAND, SINGAPORE, GREAT BRITAIN, FRANCE, AUSTRALIA, etc.  I'm amazed at how the internet has made the world a smaller place, and that we can learn from each other by using these forums!

I hope you all aren't getting bored from hearing from me, but Cristi has had A LOT on her plate the last few months, but trust me, she appreciates the support our families are receiving during this process more than you'll ever know.

So, Baby is doing GREAT!!  This makes me one VERY happy gestational carrier.  Considering this has been a ridiculously hard 16 weeks, it makes is all worth it when I know that the sweet little life in me is happy.  The baby's heart beat was found right away, and was exactly where it should be (beats per minute), and I'm growing right on track.  I'm having ligament pains, which is normal, but sometimes uncomfortable.  Because I have had so much nausea and food aversion, I've LOST weight.  Who knew that it would take me voluntarily getting pregnant to finally lose weight?  That's irony at it's best.

Hearing a baby's heartbeat is always a special experience.  I don't care whose baby it is, it never gets old.  I feel so lucky that this little man gets to be my buddy for the next several months, and then I can pass him on to his mother.  Now that I getting past the nausea, I feel kind of lucky that I get to experience pregnancy again without having to go through the newborn stage.  I may not be saying this in a couple months, but for now, I'm going with it.

And for your viewing pleasure, here's a 16 week bump shot!

Again, thank you for reading our stories!  I hope this blog is doing some good out there in the world!

Happy 2nd Trimester!! (This is Robin)

WE MADE IT TO THE SECOND TRIMESTER!!!  13 WEEKS TODAY!!  I'm ALWAYS giddy at week 13 because it's a milestone in any pregnancy!

Here's an update on the past month:

This pregnancy has been hands down my hardest.  WHAT THE HECK?!?  I have been somewhat taken aback because I've experienced certain things I never thought I would.  Almost EVERY day from 12 pm on I'm nauseated.  I haven't thrown up, but man, it's one of the most unpleasant things I've ever gone through.  The smell of my home makes me gag (it's a new home and smells like new construction), which has made settling in more challenging.  I have a STRONG food aversion.  If I even THINK about certain food I will gag.  It's CRAZY!  Anyway...enough of the bad...

The good is that I have FELT THE BABY MOVE ALREADY!!  You might think I'm nuts, but this is my FIFTH pregnancy, and I know what baby movement feels like.  Also, at my 12 week appointment, they couldn't find the heartbeat using doppler (wasn't worried about that-they didn't find heartbeats with doppler this early for my last 2 kids) so we had another ultrasound, and you could see the little guy moving all around and even make out his little feet.  In the ultrasound we could see that the placenta is in front, and baby is low.  I carried my little boy low, so I don't know if it's a boy thing or what.  Who knows?  Of course I don't regularly feel movement, but every now and then he lets me know he's hanging out.  I'm also already wearing maternity clothes.  My doctor was saying the more pregnancies you experience, the sooner you pop because of muscle memory.

This has been quite the journey!  This has been the HARDEST thing I have voluntarily done, but all I have to do is think about the miracle that is taking place in so many lives.  I think we often put limitations on ourselves on what we think we can and can't do, and I think you'd all be surprised at what we're really capable of going through, surviving, and transforming ourselves into because of those experiences.  I have learned so much about myself, I have been humbled more than I ever thought I would be, and I've SURVIVED THE HARDEST FIRST TRIMESTER I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED.

In SIX short months, Cristi is going to get to hold and snuggle her son, and that right there, my friends, makes this all worth it!  

9 Weeks and Counting (This is Robin)

I figured it was time to update this little blogaroo.

Cristi posts a lot of updates on Instagram and her username is "hiyapapayamommy."  She's posted ultrasound photos, and little personal updates if you're wondering about her.  If you want to follow me as well my username on Instagram is "robinwhite915."  I'm not too active on Instagram, but I will post things occasionally.

So, for me, the first trimester for this pregnancy has reminded me constantly why my  husband and I completed our family with 3 children.  It's true--you FORGET.  I have had a lot of minor menstrual type cramping and spotting which always stresses me out.  I went into the fertility center for an ultrasound and they were able to see a subchorionic bleed in my uterus.  I've had them before, but anytime there is spotting, it's still alarming.  What NEVER gets old is watching a little life grow!  It's amazing that at this stage the little man already looks like a little gummy bear!  He's going to be a handsome fellow!

I RARELY feel nauseous, but I've had more of it with this pregnancy, and some serious food aversion.  And of course some serious fatigue.  My waist is already gone (let's be real--what waist I did have), and I can't button my pants I'm so bloated.  I have three small children who are in constant motion, I work from home, and I'm not sleeping well.  (We're in a new house and it always takes me a while to start sleeping well in a new place).  Believe it or not, I'm grateful for these small symptoms because its a reminder that my body is adapting to taking care of this little man.

I go in Wednesday for my last Fertility Center appointment and they will let me know how to start weening myself off the medication.  I. CAN'T. WAIT. The progesterone shots are painful because they cause the muscles to bead up, and it feels like I'm laying on rocks. It will be a GREAT day when the meds stop.

I've already started talking to a doula to start preparing for a natural childbirth.  I'm still planning on a hospital delivery--just with the assistance of a doula. My last labor and deliver experience was miserable, and that was with an epidural, so I figure, I'm going natural with this one!

I have felt a shift in my emotional state over the last few weeks.  I was REALLY concerned with how attached I would be to this little boy, and of course I'm going to love him, but I'm actually looking forward to leaving the hospital without a newborn.  The excitement that I feel is FOR Cristi and her husband, and we joke about that I get to go home and sleep and they get the sleepless nights.  I'm SO grateful those days are behind me, and I'm SO grateful those days are ahead for Cristi.

I know some of you might be feeling sorry for me and thinking "ONLY 9 weeks along...poor girl," but EVERY week is a milestone!  This baby is such a miracle, and I feel blessed to be a part of this experience.

Now, I know people from all walks of life and from all religious backgrounds read this blog, so I hope you'll bear with me. Please know I'm just sharing what MY spiritual journey has been so far through MY understanding of God and His plan for us.

So, I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...aka Mormon. I never anticipated what a spiritual journey this would be for me.  I told Cristi the other day (at least I think I did--if I didn't, I blame it on pregnancy brain) that I originally thought that going through this would help redeem me from my own mediocrity.  The more I thought about it,the more I came to understand that I've already been redeemed from my self-perceived mediocrity.  The Savior has already taken care of that for me through His Atonement.  There is nothing I can do in this life, great or small, that will compare to what has already been done for me through the actions of the Savior.  I feel like this process is a gift from God because it allows me a little more insight into the Atonement (the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus).  When I brought my own children into the world, I had a small idea of what the Savior did for me. To suffer for me, to bleed for me, and to die for me so that I would have a way to make it back to my Father in Heaven.  This time around, I feel like I get an even greater sense of that because not only am I going to suffer to get this little boy here, but I voluntarily put myself in this position to do it for another family.  In no way am I comparing myself to Jesus.  Please understand that.  What I'm trying to say is that I feel like this experience is providing me with an opportunity and insight to see through even more focused spiritual eyes how completely the Savior suffered for ME.  All because He loved me.

I sincerely hope that what I'm TRYING to say is coming across.  I feel like this journey is providing me with a way to grow closer to the Savior and also providing me with a greater understanding of WHY He did what He did for me.  It was because of love.

xoxo

HAPPY TRANSFER DAY!!! (This is Robin)

So my last post was about how I was feeling anxious--well, it has ESCALATED to full on crazy girl ANXIETY!

I had never felt so alone last night.

My husband called it:  he told me when we went to bed to have fun tossing and turning all night.   We went to bed at 10ish, and by 11pm, I was sick of tossing and turning, left the room, and watched some trashy reality TV (and ate some Half Baked Ben & Jerry's) until 1:30am.  I have moved on from cake to ice cream!  I am my mother's daughter!  

Some of you may be wondering why the anxiety?  Honestly--look at it from my perspective--it's not just about being pregnant.  I have spent MONTHS preparing mentally, emotionally, and physically (not that anyone can really tell).  I have poured so much energy into this, and invested so much of myself into people whom don't know me very well, and whom I don't know very well, and it's FINALLY here.  Pregnancy can be risky to begin with, but when I had to take out a life insurance policy to do this, it makes you think a little bit more about those risks.

I think what I'm feeling is normal--at least I hope.  I can honestly say, that despite all the anxiety, I know what I'm doing is the right thing, and I draw peace from that.

PLEASE pray, or do whatever you do and send good vibes into the universe that this is successful. The transfer is at 2:30pm MST, so it's so close!  Hopefully, in 10 days we'll get a nice POSITIVE result!

xoxo

T-Minus 4 Days!!! (This is Robin)

Hey Folks!  So, this post is mostly for my sake, and I promise I'm not trying to turn this into the "Robin Show."  We are SO close to this transfer, and I'm starting to feel anxious, so I'm blogging for therapeutic reasons.

Today, I tried to explain to my 4 year old what is going on, because out of my three kids, she'll remember this the most.  I haven't really said anything and wasn't on planning on saying anything until it was obvious that there was something in Mommy's tummy, but she's so smart, that I felt like I need to talk to her about what I'm going through.  My kids have met Cristi, her husband, and their sweet little boys, and I asked her if she remembered them.  She told me right away that they have a kitty cat, and I knew she remembered.  I explained to her that I was going to take care of their baby for a little while, but that it was theirs and I really think she understood.  She loves babies, and is such a little mommy herself, that I've been worried she'd be hurt not having a baby to bring back.  That said, I could just tell from the way that she looked at me, that she understood, which caused a huge amount of relief for me.  We may have to have this conversation a few more times, but I felt a lot of peace with her responses to me.

I have been preparing for MONTHS, and now that it's here, it feels surreal.  Once I started the medication (for real the second time around), it made it more real.  I stink at giving myself shots because I hesitate, and the progesterone shots do hurt.  Not the initial shot itself, but afterwards--it burns a little, and it reminds me of a tetanus shot.  The muscles are sore.  I should probably do myself a favor and watch some YouTube videos.

Just say a prayer that this works!

Another Update (this is Robin)

So, I went in for some blood work today, and talked with the nurse about one of the side effects I'm having from the Estradiol.  HEADACHES.  CONSTANT.  ANNOYING.  They're pressure headaches with a dull ache, and then it messes with my vision.  IT STINKS!  It's particularly bad because I work from home on a computer, and that just magnifies the problem.  The nurse said they're hormonal headaches and that the side effect is very common and that Tylenol will be my best friend.  I've been on the Estradiol a week, and the very next day I could feel it.

I also got a phone call earlier this evening that they have to UP my dosage of Estradiol from .15ml to.2ml.  I'm assuming that's just going to make this worse.  That said, I'm a pretty tough cookie and I've had worse pain in my life.  I know to drink lots of water, get adequate rest, and take medication before I even FEEL the headaches coming on.  They're pretty constant, so it's not going to hurt me to just to take the Tylenol beforehand.  I go in on Thursday for an ultrasound to check my lining, and I'm assuming they'll make more adjustments to medication IF needed.  I'm hopeful that everything will look great.

Anyway--that's what's going on!!


xoxo

Here We Go!!! (this is Robin)

I had another appointment with the fertility center, and that photo is my first shot!  I get to give it to myself tomorrow night--or maybe I'll make my husband do it--maybe not, he might enjoy playing nurse too much.  :-)  At the appointment today, they did the FDA physical exam, another ultrasound, and everything looks GREAT!  I start with the estradiol tomorrow, and will take it again Friday night.  Then in a week or so, I'll add the progesterone and oil shot, and the metradol shot in addition to the estradiol.  I'll also have to do a progesterone suppository, and all of these shots will pretty much last through my first trimester.  (God willing!!)  So, this is really it!  Between now and August 7, I have 7 more appointments at the fertility center, for blood work, and ultrasounds.  It's VERY intense, and I'm feeling a TON of pressure for this to work, but it's really out of my hands.  I can only do what they tell me to do, and pray that nature and God will do the rest.

Anyway, that's what's going on!  TRANSFER DAY IS JULY 28TH!!!! Cross all you fingers, and send all your prayers and good energy into the universe so hopefully we can get this baby here!

xoxo

Rocked the Run (This is Robin)

The blogging bug has bit again!

So, part of this process for me has been "trying" to become more physically ready to go through another pregnancy.  I never lost the baby weight from my last baby, and that's been tough on me.  I've never been this big before.  It's a huge blow to the self-esteem.  I don't fit in that Utah "stay at home mommy" mold to begin with, and even more so now.  I know I shouldn't care about "fitting in" anymore, but living in Utah for the last 8 years has been a challenge, and at times very lonely so I yeah, sometimes I just want to fit in.  I know being a woman is hard anywhere, but man, do I feel it here!  That said, I'm also in a stressful situation that makes being as healthy as I want to be more difficult.  I'm not trying to deflect or avoid taking responsibility for my own actions, but that's just the way my life is.  I cook maybe half the time (my mother-in-law cooks the other half), and I'm in a mayonnaise and butter lovin' household.  My other issues are:

I want to eat when I'm sad.

I want to eat when I'm stressed.

I want to eat when I'm happy.

And ya'll know I eat cake when I'm angry.

I LOVE to eat and cook healthy meals, but I'm also in a home where meat and potatoes are the norm, and there's no such thing as branching out.  It's hard to eat healthy when I'm surrounded by unhealthy foods.  I haven't touched a scale in months because I just don't want to know, so at this point it's all about maintaining.

Exercise is the key for me.  It's not just about losing weight, but it's about the mental benefits for me as well.  I went for a REALLY good run tonight, and it felt AMAZING.  Not just physically, but it clears my mind, and I feel like it helps me cope with the raging hormones.  My life makes it challenging to get out as much as I want: I'm up at 5:30am most mornings to work (I work from home), I have my three children that keep me on the go, and in the evenings I'm SO tired, that exercise is the last thing I want to do.  But, not tonight!!  I got my butt out the door and rocked my run, and I feel good!

A friend told me that the silver lining in all the weight issues, is that I'm not going to lose weight, just to gain weight, and have to lose it all again.  I'll just have to be SO careful about what I gain during this pregnancy.  Anyway, this health stuff is all part of my preparations to go through this.  I already look like I'm 20 weeks along because I have that mom tummy, and at this point, liposuction is my only answer after this next pregnancy.  I guess at this point, it's just taking one day at a time, and doing the best I can!

Update (This is Robin)

So, here's the update on where I'm at in this process.  (It's been pretty boring for me the last month--hence the no blog posts).  I had an appointment with the fertility center on Thursday, and I received my new medication calender. It's INTENSE AND INTIMIDATING!  June has been full of MORE birth control and prenatal vitamins.  Still boring.  Except I'm angry again.  I'll blog more about that in a minute.

July looks like this:

All the fun will begin for me in two short weeks!!!  I won't have to take Lupron because they don't need to put me in a "holding pattern" because we're not doing a fresh transfer.  All my shots will go in my hips, and supposedly the Estradiol shots are painful if you don't massage and heat the area.  Lovely.  And I'll have to have the progesterone and oil shots through the first trimester for the most part.  So, the transfer is set for JULY 28, which means if it all goes well, and I get pregnant, Baby will be here in April.  PLEASE cross your fingers, pray, and send us good vibes because I REALLY want this to work the first time around.

This process has been VERY educational for me.  I have learned so much about the medications and why I have to take them, and I just can't help but see God's hand in all this.  How AMAZING is it that science can imitate what my body would've done on it's own if it had been a natural occurring pregnancy?  It's INCREDIBLE!

I've been on the birth control for a week, and feel a difference pretty much right away with my mood.  I really do feel bad for my husband and children because they receive the brunt of it.  We're also in a fairly stressful situation.  We're currently living with my in-laws while we build a home and that's stressful in and of itself.  Our house should be finished in late August-early September.  I'm praying for August!  Here is said house:

It's so exciting, and I'm so grateful to be in the situation we're in because we can do this, but I'm ready to be OUT.  I think the birth control just magnifies the stress I already feel in my life.  I have a child who is the epitome of the TERRIBLE THREE'S and dealing with her is enough to make me want to scream.  I have a dog who has a serious incontinence issue and we FINALLY got her on medication, but I sure as heck am not taking her to a new house until I know the problem is solved.  It's GROSS!  And then part of the stress is that moving will happen within weeks of doing the transfer and trying to move and unpack a house while being pregnant with someone else's baby is a bit nerve-wracking.  Anyway, that's were I'm at these days!

Cristi's update

I just went in for my daily ultrasound and blood draw. (And also included a picture of my morning stim injections.) Today they counted 9 follicles in my right ovary and 11 in my left! The largest is measuring 16 mm.  They like you to be at 18 mm before giving the trigger shot. So I will go one more day. That will make for a Wednesday retrieval, it's looking like. Thank you for all of your love and support and prayers throughout this journey! I'm REALLY happy with the numbers thus far!

Also, just to quickly note for my own journaling purposes - I'm feeling REALLY full and distended in my abdomen already. I don't remember having symptoms of OHSS until AFTER the egg retrieval the last two times. So I'm a little bit concerned. Anne-Marie (our amazing nurse practitioner) asked me this morning if I'm already feeling uncomfortable. She told me that whey protein powder and gatorade or other electrolyte drinks will help. So you'd better believe tomorrow I'm going to go out and get both! I thought we had some whey protein powder in our pantry, but it's not there anymore. And I don't know if I'll actually drink gatorade (since I haven't had sugar in over 2 years) or make my own natural version of it with fruit juice and sodium. I'll have to google how to make it myself without sugar. :) If anyone has a natural "recipe" I'm all ears! :)

IVF Update

Cristi yet again (I told you it's a crazy week!)

I had my first follicle-measuring ultrasound this morning and another blood draw. She counted 8 follicles in my right ovary and 10 in my left. And the largest is currently measuring 12 mm.  I am really happy with these numbers! Considering I'm over 35 and my mom and my sister both went through menopause in their 30's, I was more concerned this time around. But so far, things are looking really great! So good, in fact, that she said I can skip my ultrasound and blood draw tomorrow and just come in on Sunday. I'll probably do my trigger shot on Sunday and have the retrieval on Tuesday. That's what it's looking like right now. So exciting! The egg retrieval process has never been the challenging part for us (other than me having complications with hyper stimulation). We've always been blessed with good numbers. It's just the carrying of the actual baby that my body can't do. We are so grateful to Robin and her beautiful carrier heart!!

The Joys of Infertility (Cristi)

Am I pregnant? Nope! This, my friends is the beautiful blotation that comes every time we do an egg retrieval. I actually have to be careful because the last two times we did this I hyperstimmed with OHSS. So for me to be this swollen in my abdomen already - with still a few days left before the retrieval - is a little nerve wracking for me. When I hyperstimmed, I looked like I was 7 months pregnant! It's really really painful to get OHSS and it lasts a couple of weeks, so I'm praying this doesn't mean it will happen again. It's the craziest thing! I guess I should expect at least this small amount of swelling when my ovaries are currently the size of grapefruits. ;) Why am I sharing this? Because if anyone is about to go through this process, I want to help them not feel alarmed when they wake up one morning while on IVF meds and realize that none of their pants fit and they look like they're expecting. Because really, you ARE expecting. You're expecting a bunch of little follies that will hopefully turn into embryos! It's worth it! 

Ultrasounds and blood draws every morning

This is my solution for morning hair that I don't have a chance to fix when I have early blood draws and ultrasounds every day for the next five days. It's also covering up my gray roots that I haven't had time to get touched up. (They're bad. I'm old!) And last but not least, I KIND of look like a man in this picture. It might be because I'm wearing Jeff's sunglasses because I couldn't find mine. Or it might just be because I look like a man. ;)

WIDN (What I'm Doing Now)

Hey guys, this is Cristi. This morning, I was tagged by a friend on Instagram to share #WIDN. When she tagged me, I was sitting in the waiting room at the fertility center. I had an appointment today right in the middle of shooting 6 parade homes. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my LIFE! Photographing 27 homes in less than a week was KIND of a crazy thing to take on (and I hit the two biggest ones today - one at 14,000 square feet and one at almost 17,000 square feet. That's a LOT of house to shoot!) - especially in the middle of preparing for this egg retrieval! But at the same time I absolutely love it and I love taking pictures of beautiful homes and being an official part of the UV Parade. (I forgot to take off my badge when I had my appointment this afternoon - thus the photo.) I just got home for the night. Time to edit like a crazy woman!

I'm starting to feel the fullness and pressure in my abdomen from all of the follicles growing. Tomorrow is my last day for exercise. I have four homes left to photograph. And to be honest, walking through huge homes and photographing them at all angles is actually a lot of exercise! (I always joke that many of the ways I stand to get certain shots is just like doing yoga!) But only four left! YAY!!

Getting Closer

Cristi again (it's a big week for me!)

There's just about one week left of giving myself these daily shots in the stomach. Retrieval is coming up so quickly!!

No Place Like Home (Cristi here)

The past few days have been so exhausting that I get home from photographing all day and have just enough time and energy to eat, read scriptures and pray with the family before I crash and sleep for the night. I have a renewed respect and love for you full-time working and single moms (and dads too). I know it affects me a lot because of  my autoimmune diseases. I get fatigued quicker and harder than a healthy person. And we're also just starting out on the heavy IVF stim meds. But still. Everyone gets tired and I respect y'all so much! 

As soon as we were done with prayer tonight, Leo climbed onto his dad and said, "Hey daddy! Let's do a BIGGY BANK ride!" There's no place like home!

Pulling Out the Big Guns!

This is Cristi again! This morning I added my stim med injections to the Lupron injections I've already been on. It's time to pull out the big guns! 

In addition to the Lupron, I'm now on 3 powders of Bravelle and 1 powder of Menopur every morning. This is the third time we've done an egg retrieval and the first time I've used Bravelle. The other two times I used Follistim and had excellent results. They chose Bravelle for me this time because it's a little less expensive and they said it's fairly comparative to Follistim. So we'll see. Three powders of it seems like a lot - but whatever works! I also forgot how much the Menopur stings while going in. Yowza! But it's all so worth it!

This is happening!

Hey guys! This is Cristi.  I've been crazy busy this past week because I was once again hired to be the official photographer for the Utah Valley Parade of Homes! It's SO fun! But it's also a lot of work in a small amount of time. I have one week to photograph 27 homes!! (What was I thinking signing on for this? Ha ha!) So I've basically been gone from sun up til sun down so I can be out shooting.

(Speaking of - this master bath KNOCKED my socks off! The tub IN the shower? Genius! This is just a sneak peek shot from my phone. I've taken thousands of photos with my Canon! This is home #20 in Highland by Millhaven Homes.) 

In the midst of this crazy busy week of parade photographs, it's also a big week at the fertility center. I had my baseline ultrasound this morning (which is basically just an ultrasound on cycle day 3 or 4 which makes sure everything is "quiet" in your uterus and ovaries before all the craziness starts happening in there!). I'll start the stim med injections tomorrow morning. This is happening!

Everything Has Beauty

This may be a little weird. I actually even wondered if it was a little too weird to post. (Disclaimer - this is my stomach, so nothing risqué here folks! ;) But it's something I feel passionately about. This is a picture of my current IVF injection bruises mixed in with stretch marks from my pregnancy with Rex. As strange as it may seem, I think they're both beautiful. When I was pregnant with that miracle pregnancy and I started getting stretch marks, I VIVIDLY remember the day I looked in the mirror and SQUEALED happily and excitedly to Jeff: "I'm getting STRETCH MARKS!! This is REAL!!" I worked so hard and fought so hard for that pregnancy and my permanent scars are my medals of honor! And the bruises? That's just a sign that another miracle is in the midst of taking place. This time through the route of using a gestational carrier. Both are absolutely BEAUTIFUL blessings. Yep, I said it. I think my bruises and stretch marks are blessings. Call me weird if you want. But I'm ROARING it from the rooftops! MY BRUISES AND STRETCH MARKS ARE BEAUTIFUL! Really, there IS beauty in everything. (Even though I may have a hard time finding the beauty in wasps. I'll work harder on that one … ;)

Starting Meds (This is Cristi)

I've been on birth control pills for about a month now and do you remember Robin's post about how birth control affects her? Yeah, I'm totally feeling that this time around. I'm thiiiiiiiis close to going off of my "no sugar for over two years" thing and stuffing MY face full of cake!  (Stay strong, Cristi, stay strong!) Either that, or I feel like I may punch a hole in one of our walls. WHO AM I?!! This is SO not me! I don't remember being so emotionally and hormonally affected (effected? I can never remember the difference between those two…) the first two times we went through a fresh cycle and the egg retrieval preparation process. I'm sure that the meds affected me then, too, but I'm just having a hard time remembering. I'm actually really glad that I'm more fully documenting the journey this time around via this blog. Not just to share it with you guys, per se, but just so that I have it for my own journaling purposes. 

Last week (on the 23rd), I started Lupron injections. And to be honest, I didn't feel many hormonal or emotional effects until I started these shots. Like I said, I don't remember feeling this way the last couple of times.

LUCKILY, today was my last day of taking birth control pills. So we'll see if that makes a difference. Again - I don't want this to come across as complaining. Because I DEFINITELY know that this is all worth it and it's only for a small season and it's not a forever thing (thank the heavens!) ;).  I just want to help inform so that anyone else who may be going through this process can know that they're not crazy if they start feeling like they all of a sudden want to stuff their face full of chocolate or bang their head against a wall! :)

I started taking an antibiotic yesterday and will take that for a few days. And then later this week I will have my baseline ultrasound and start my other two injections - Bravelle and Menopur.  Those are what stimulate egg production.

Jeff and I have had a few appointments at the fertility center already. But on Wednesday we had our first "major" appointment. Because we're using a gestational carrier, the FDA has a bunch of extra stuff (for lack of a better word) that we have to go through. I guess you could say there are just a "few more hoops to jump through" this time around. Jeff and I both needed to get examined (usually it's just me) and do paperwork (with crazy weird and random questions like "Have you eaten raw fish from Nicaragua any time between the years of 1981 and 2003?" Kinda like when you give blood) and have blood work (and other things) done. I had seven tubes of blood drawn and Jeff had five. Here are some of our thought processes - Me: "Aw, look! Our exam gowns match! They look like they're from 1989!" Jeff: "You're really taking a picture of me getting my blood drawn?" Ha! Just kidding - he knows I'm a documenting fool! :) And a dork! ;)

Oh, and ...

…I almost forgot! Another reason I've been MIA is because I was in the hospital twice this month with kidney stones. The first time was on the night of Mother's Day and the next was just a few days later. I had eight stones in my right kidney and four in my left. Those things are nasty! That's all I have to say about that. ;)

Breaking the Silence (Cristi here)

I've been a bit hesitant about posting lately. For one thing, I'm an emotional MESS. Am I thankful to be in a position in life to be able to be going through this process? AB-so-freaking-LUTELY! I am BLESSED! But at the same time, you guys, these hormone meds are making me CRAZY. I'm in a crying fit one minute and angry at the world the next. This is so not like me! I think I'm a fairly mellow and even-keeled person. And I'm never angry at the world!! I'm usually pretty dang positive (if I do say so myself - it's one of the traits I've worked hardest to possess in life - seeing the glass as half full). This is taking me back to my teens and early 20's when I wasn't hormonally regulated and was a mood-swingged mess. The good news is that at least I'm aware that it's "only" hormones and that this is NOT me. But at the same time, it's something that I'm aware of, and yet feel like I have no control over. I like feeling emotionally regulated and balanced. And that's one part of going through all of this that is lacking. BUT I know it's only temporary and I also know that it is SOOOOOO worth it!!! Every emotional minute!!

I think I mentioned in my first post (or maybe my second or maybe I didn't mention it at all, I don't remember and I'm too lazy to go back and check) that I used to keep a blog years ago (before we had kids and when we were in the midst of our first infertility struggles) and then I stopped when I had someone tell me that my posts came across as "bragging" because I would often write about my blessings - especially the blessing of my good and supportive husband. I didn't like knowing that my words were inadvertently hurting or offending anyone, so I stopped.  But in order to share this journey of gestational carrying with you, I put that behind me and decided to be brave and put myself out there once more. Then this past week the wind was kind of taken out of my sails again when someone told me that my writing comes across as "painting a picture of having so many struggles when [I] actually know very little about what it's like to struggle."

I've been pondering both of these statements a lot. And, mind you, I'm an emotional basket case right now, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but they seem to be contradictory. I unintentionally offended one person because they thought I was bragging too much about being blessed and another person because they thought I was complaining and saying I'm not blessed enough. And here's what I decided it boils down to: I don't want to "paint a picture" of anything. Except what life is really like for me. I just want to be raw and open about MY feelings and my life. I'm not "putting on a show" or trying to brag or rub anything in anyone's face. I'm also not trying to complain and say that my life is harder than anyone else's. All I want to be is real. My own personal real. My MAIN GOAL in social media is to be myself and to be authentic. I've always had that goal. I have realized that I can't please everyone. Not everyone I meet is going to like me or believe me. And no matter what, there will always be a few people who judge me and decide they don't like what they see. And, do you know what? THAT'S OKAY. I'm finally realizing, in my mid 30's, that it's OKAY. I still need to work on not being bothered when people tell me that they don't like something that I'm doing. I can have 100 comments that are amazing and encouraging and loving and if I get just one person criticizing me, that's ALL I can think about. I dwell on it and let it discourage me.  I wish I was better at learning from what people say instead of taking is so personally and letting it eat at me. But, luckily, this life is all about growth and change and improvement. And I'm working on it.

These are all things that come with being open and with "putting myself out there." I open myself up to a certain vulnerability. But while I know there are going to be people who don't like me, there will also be people who do. I can't change anyone's minds. I can only be me. And for every one negative comment, there are about 50 positive ones. One person told me, "For every one person you offend, you inspire more than a dozen. Don't quit being you." Reading comments like "Your beautiful life inspires me to be a better wife and mother" and "You make me feel stronger and less lonely" (just two comments I got this past week on Instagram) are what keep me going.

I know that I need to push forward and continue being me. I can't let anything stop me from what I know I am MEANT to be doing - and that is sharing our journey. I absolutely cannot let opposition stop me from that. I have a lot to learn and a lot of work to do to become more Christlike. I'm so far from being perfect and that's the main thing that these life lessons have taught me.

This is a long post, but I wanted to explain why I've been somewhat silent recently. I really want to share our first few appointments at the fertility center with you guys and explain more about the medications I'm on and their purpose and side effects. I also want to share some of our emotions from going through this experience up to this point. But I will do that in another post. I'm sure I've lost 90% of my readership already! Ha! (I'm "wordy.") :)

Lots of love,
Cristi

Food For Thought (this is Robin)

So, I spent 4 days with family this past week in Phoenix, AZ for my nephew's high school graduation.  I was able to spend time with my sister who was the one that originally inspired me to pursue this gestational carrier thingy.  Between my conversations with her regarding her journey with infertility and something that I read that was directed towards Cristi, I'm feeling very contemplative and felt the need to write this little post.

I'm not ignorant or immune to the feelings that are associated with infertility.  The loss, anger, resentment, the hope, and then the letdown.  I lost a baby at 11 weeks, and it broke my heart, and when my due date came and went, I felt it all over again.  It still hurts to this day, and always will.

That said, this blog is meant to educate and provide hope. It's not meant to throw infertility in anyone's face or make you feel like we have our thumbs on our noses wiggling our fingers singing "Na, na, na, na, na," at you.  It's not to paint our lives in this aura of perfection and bliss because that's just not the case.  I don't get angry at millionaires because they're rich and I'm not.  Please don't direct anger at those who have children because you don't.  I'm not saying it's not okay to feel anger, but when I feel it's misdirected, I'll say something.  As women, I would hope that we would ban together with empathy, love, and support. Not anger and resentment.

I have known Cristi since February.  I have met and interacted with her FOUR times in my whole life, and I feel like I know her heart.  Is she my best friend? No.  But, is she the kind of person that I'd love to have for a best friend because she's so amazing?  Heck, yes!  (Come on, we all have those people that we meet once and they leave such an amazing impression that you want them in your lives forever, right?)  Relationships take time, but I feel like I know her enough to know her intentions are pure when it comes to this blog. When I read the private message that was full of anger that was directed towards her, my heart broke because I can vouch for her and say that she's not the kind of person who would ever intentionally hurt someone by sharing her experiences.

I have seen infertility bring out the good, the bad, and the ugly in people.  Let's bring out the good.  Let's spread awareness and provide a forum to share your trials and triumphs.  I HEAR you.  I FEEL for you.  I WANT you to experience the joy of parenthood, and most importantly, you are NOT alone.

I'll share the good and bad; the ups and the downs with you all, and I'm well aware that I'm putting myself out there to receive criticism and judgement, and I'm okay with that.  I can be intense at times, and I hope that you all will forgive me if I write something that hurts you.  Again, the purpose of this blog is to educate, and share an authentic experience from the intended mother's perspective, and the gestational carrier's perspective in one place.  The backlash that is received is part of this experience, and expect it to be addressed when it's received.

The world needs more love and understanding in it--so I'm sending it to you all.  XOXO.  

Hiccups and Hold-Ups (This is Robin)

Hi All!  I was reading Cristi's posts and I'm constantly inspired by her.  I honestly feel like one of the reasons why I felt so strongly to do this for their family is because Heavenly Father needed to place her in my life to learn from her.  I'M the lucky one!  She gets the baby--I get her.

So, it's time to break the radio silence.  My last post was about how the June transfer was going to happen.  JUST KIDDING!!  So, I went in for my appointment two weeks ago, and received my medication calender which looked a lot like Cristi's and I was honestly so overwhelmed I wanted to cry.  We're talking BIRTH CONTROL, BABY ASPIRIN, LUPRON INJECTIONS, Z-PACK, PROGESTERONE/OIL SHOTS, PRE-NATAL VITAMINS, and when I start when I stop medications, and it was INTENSE.  I started the birth control that Friday, and then that following Monday found out that because of some testing this was all being put on hold for 6 additional weeks.  (And these tests are a good thing).

Now, I've been doing myself a disservice.  I said this blog was to also document my journey and a place for me to be honest.  Well, I haven't written anything because I'm ANGRY.  First of all--let me just say that I know it's the birth control.  I HATE birth control, and it has always made me angry, and right now I'm stuffing my face with some AWESOME CHOCOLATE CAKE (courtesy of my father-in-law's birthday) and that does help me feel less angry.  On Friday, I have to STOP the birth control, wait for a mini cycle because now my cycle is off two weeks, then I'll have a normal cycle and they'll start me AGAIN on birth control.  Lucky me.  My lucky husband.

I'm irritable and I just can't help it.  I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART I was more like Cristi whom I feel is the epitome of graciousness, love, and a roll with the punches kinda gal.  If this is what I'm like just on birth control then heaven help us all when I start taking all the serious hormonal stuff.  <<Just took another bite of that chocolate cake--SO GOOD!!>>

Plus this 6 weeks added to this whole thing means that I'll have an April baby--6 weeks from that puts me in the beginning of June 2015 before I can start exercising seriously again, and let's all be honest: I'll be post-partum 6 weeks at the beginning of summer and summer clothes ARE NOT forgiving and I'm already carrying leftover baby weight from my last kiddo.  I'm vain and selfish, but I'm human and I'm not going to pretend like I don't care about how my body is going to look after all this.  I'm not getting any younger.  (And yes, I see the irony in the fact that I'm eating some ROCKIN' CHOCOLATE CAKE!)

Anyway, this is part of my journey---the ups, the downs, the irritability, and then once the medication is done (I have to take progesterone through the first trimester) I'll become more even keeled and back to my normal even tempered (for the most part ;-) self.

I sincerely hope that those of you reading this don't think that I regret this decision for one moment, because I DON'T.  I'm learning so much, but it's not going to be all glitter and rainbows.  The end result is what will keep me going.  And yes, I did agree to do this, and I'm so happy I did (I know this post doesn't reflect that), but this is REAL life. This is all new to me.   Hope that makes sense, ya'll!  Now, I'm going to go finish my CAKE!

--Lot's of love xoxo!!

Joy is in the Journey

Hey guys, it's Cristi again. Things may seem quiet from Robin and I right now. But it's because we're kind of in the "wait" stage at the moment. I've started my BC pills. But that's all that's happened so far. I'll start injections in a couple of weeks and will probably start blogging more then. And the transfer isn't scheduled until July, so things on Robin's end are even quieter. :) 

But I still want to pop in here from time to time and share some of my thoughts with you.  

The quote I posted above - quite possibly one of my favorite quotes I've ever seen. I came across it earlier today on another Instagrammer's feed. (And since I try to post only pictures that I've taken or images/quotes that I made myself, I recreated it with my own handwriting in the Paper app and then added the author's name with a font from the Rhonna Designs app.) 

I LOVE this saying!! I am a huge believer of happiness being a choice. And my one little word for 2014 is JOY. Today I haven't been able to get out of bed from sickness (and the weather causing a flare). But I can still choose to find - and share - joy. 

Jeff and I sang at a fireside on Sunday night and on the way home, we talked a lot about how oftentimes it feels there is an emphasis on "just endure through this life and then everything will be okay." But I don't think that's how the Lord intends it to be for us. Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." Trials and heartaches and sorrows will come to all of us. No one is immune. In fact, for some, it may very well feel like their entire life is one continuous trial. But I PROMISE that we can still find joy IN the journey - not just at the END of it. We only need to know where to look - and Who to turn to. I believe that we are given trials to grow and to become closer to God. And what joy there is in that! One of the members of the ill-fated Martin and Willie Handcart companies said, "We came to know God in our infirmities." Every day I try a little harder to be a little better at choosing to be happy. I cannot cure or change the sorrows of life, but I can choose to live in joy.

Posted from my instagram feed

Let Me Carry You

Hey again, everyone! This is Cristi. It's been a few days since either of us has posted anything. But I had an experience tonight that I'd love to share with you.

Jeff and I have been singing and touring with LDS singer/songwriter Jenny Phillips for more than 10 years. I've done hundreds - if not thousands - of firesides with Jenny. And I've heard the song "Let Me Carry You" sung countless times. But tonight, as we were sitting in the fireside and I heard this song, it took on a completely new meaning for me. I'm usually fairly good at holding back tears while singing and doing firesides. But as I heard the words of this song tonight - in an entirely new light - I just started sobbing. (We're talking like the deep, wracking ugly cry, you guys!) It hit me like a ton of bricks - this song is our life right now.

The song is shared at the end of the fireside "Remember the Journey," which talks about the journey and rescue of the Martin and Willie Handcart Pioneers in the winter of 1856.  It is a tremendous story of courage, faith and heroics.

Jenny's husband Dan reads a powerful account from Solomon Kimball, who says, "To describe conditions surrounding the old fort at Devil's Gate during the first few days of November, 1856 would be a difficult task. About twenty-five out of the nine hundred emigrants who had arrived there had already perished, and others were lying at the point of death. Their food supply was nearly exhausted, and there were no signs of help. The snow was eighteen inches deep on the level, and the weather intensely cold and the more feeble among the Saints were literally freezing to death. Unless immediate steps were taken to relieve the situation, all would perish together."

When Brigham Young learned that there were still handcart pioneers out on the plains, he immediately organized rescue parties that eventually found the last handcart company stuck in a ravine between the Platte and the Sweetwater rivers. They were in a desperate condition. The team helped the company start moving again, but when they arrived at a certain crossing of the Sweetwater River, the company refused to go any further. Solomon Kimball said, "The water in places was almost waist deep, and the river more than a hundred feet wide. To cross that mountain torrent under such conditions to them meant nothing short of suicide. They had walked hundreds of miles over an almost trackless plain, pulling carts as they went, and after making such tremendous sacrifices for the cause of truth, to lay down their lives in such a dreadful manner was awful to contemplate. They became alarmed, and cried mightily unto the Lord for help, but received no answer. After they had given up in despair, after all hope had vanished, after every apparent avenue of escape seemed closed, four eighteen-year-old boys belonging to the relief party came to the rescue and to the astonishment of all who saw, carried nearly every member of that ill-fated handcart company across the snowbound stream. The strain was so terrible, and the exposure so great, that all the boys suffered from the effects of it for the rest of their lives. When President Brigham Young heard of this heroic act, he wept like a child, and later declared publicly, 'that act alone will ensure C. Allen Huntington, George W. Grant, David P. Kimball, and Stephen W. Taylor an everlasting salvation in the Celestial Kingdom of God, worlds without end.'"

Then four men in the group (usually Jeff is one of the ones who sings in this quartet - he was tonight) get up to sing this song. "Let Me Carry You."

Let me share the words with you:

Nine hundred saints
You came across the seas and plains
Hunger and cold have taken some away
You're in despair
And you just don't have the strength
To cross this river standing in your way

You can't feel your feet
And your hands are frozen through
The Father knows all that you've been through
So let me be the Father's hands
My shoulders will bear you up with His strength

Let me carry you
Let me bear the cold
I am here to share your load
Through all you've done
You have been true
But this is something you just can't do
Let me carry you

You're almost there
You will make it to the end
You will go on
And you'll find your strength again
So one by one climb upon my back
And I will give you
Everything I have

We're brothers in this earthly trail of tears
The faith we share
Is stronger than our fears
So let me be the Father's hands today
My shoulders will bear you up with His strength

Let me carry you
Let me bear the cold
I am here to share your load
Through all you've done
You have been true
But this is something you just can't do
Let me carry you

Like I said, I have heard this song countless times. But the words have never been more real and more powerful or more applicable than they were as I listened to them tonight.

"I am here to share your load 
Through all you've done 
you have been true
But this is something you just can't do
Let me carry you"

I thought, "THIS IS ROBIN! She is literally doing for us the thing that we cannot do." Jeff and I have tried to be true. We want to be true. We have loved and listened to and followed the Lord as He has guided us on our journey through infertility (and my health challenges and numerous other struggles and trials that we have endured in our lives). But this is something we just can't do. 

What a miraculous blessing it is that there are others - like Robin - who are willing to step in. To rescue us and do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. IT IS HEROIC. I have told Robin many times that I think she is a hero. And now I know why. She is being The Father's hands to lift us up and to do what we cannot.

I know, just as those early handcart Pioneers knew, that Jesus Christ is our Savior. He is our rescuer and our redeemer. He is the reason that four 18 year old boys were willing to sacrifice their own lives, if necessary, to carry hundreds of weary and freezing and faithful emigrants across an icy river. And He is the reason that a woman - who just a few weeks ago was a complete stranger to me - is willing to sacrifice almost a year of her life to carry our baby.

I know that my Redeemer lives;
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives!

Here we go! (This is Cristi)

This is always when it starts to feel real. We got our official calendar and schedule today from the fertility center and I had my first blood draw. Basically the end of May and first part of June will be devoted to them - and ultimately toward getting our next miracle here. The crazy part this time around is that Robin has her own calendar. It's pretty amazing how this all works using a gestational carrier. What a blessing modern medicine is!

A Bond of Sisterhood

Left: Cristi and Right: Robin

We had Robin and Kevin and their kids over for dinner tonight. I already love this woman more than I can humanly express. It's hard to put into words how you feel about someone who is going to carry your child. I think that Robin is a hero. Actually, both Jeff and I think that Robin AND her husband Kevin are heroes. I feel connected to Robin in a way that I haven't ever quite felt before. I think we already share an unbreakable bond of sisterhood.

Also, do you remember the other day, when I said that I purposefully disabled comments on this blog because of a negative experience I had in the past? Well, tonight I decided to rise above my fear and to allow comments. We have had such a wonderful outpouring of love and support and many people have told either Robin or I that they'd love to be able to comment here. So I'm going to let it happen. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers, you guys! We feel it!

Uncharted Territory (this is Robin)

The out pouring of love and support this week has been so immense that I feel like need to express some serious heartfelt gratitude.  Thank you all so very much!!!  All of you that I do know--wow!!  I'm so glad to have you in my life, and I hope you'll continue to be a part of this journey.  Those that I don't know, THANK YOU!  Thank you for sharing your stories of struggle and triumph.  I'm constantly amazed at how a common struggle can ban people together to provide a community of support and love.  My heart is so full!!

I've had a lot to think about this week because up to this point, this has felt SURREAL!  Not anymore, and it has been OVERWHELMING!  My emotions have been all over the place.  Scared, uncertain, nervous, so very happy, grateful, and very humbled.  I'm so very humbled that Cristi and Jeff would put their trust in me to carry their baby and to be a part of their family in this small way. 

I think it's time to share a little more of my back story.  Again, I'm putting myself out there, and sharing a lot of personal information, but the point of this blog is to be real, raw, uncensored, and honest.  Deep breath, and here it goes!

My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage just after 11 weeks.  We had seen the baby's heartbeat around 8 weeks and sometime between then and 11 weeks the baby died,  I had to have a D&C.  Being so far from home (I'm from Richmond, Virginia) I had never felt so alone and lonely because my family was back East.  To this day, I still think of that baby.  The crazy thing, is that before it had even happened, a part of me knew that I wouldn't get to ever hold that baby.  I was studying in the Union Building up at the University of Utah and I had put my head down and fell asleep.  I remember I jerked myself awake because I had dreamed the baby had no heartbeat.  The next day was my doctor's appoint, and sure enough the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat.  The doctor sent me down for an ultrasound right away, and my husband just held my hand while I wept when they confirmed what I already knew.  I guess I'm sharing this because I've felt the sadness of what it's like to not have a baby I so desperately wanted.  Yes, I went on to have more children, but I can relate on some level to that feeling of disappointment that many feel when struggling with infertility. 

I went on to have three children in 2.5 years.  I have easy pregnancies.  I have NEVER had a bout of morning sickness.  Not even the slightest tinge of nausea, so I'm very lucky in that regard.  However, I'm not one of those women that loves being pregnant.  I do love the second trimester when I can feel movement, before I get uncomfortable.  When I told Cristi and Jeff that I didn't love being pregnant in our first meeting, I could tell that I had surprised them a little bit.  My love lies in being a mother.  That's where the motivation comes from to do this.  Motherhood transformed me.  I am a much better person because of my children, and that's where I'm drawing from, and why I knew I could do this for another family.  

That said, the second part of this was the family for me to do this for.  I was so nervous to meet Cristi and Jeff for the first time, that I wanted to puke.  Hindsight, I don't know why because I honestly didn't think the first couple I met would be "The Couple."  Anyway, for those of you who know Cristi and Jeff-- you know why I'm doing this for them.  For those of you who don't know them, I wish you did.  They're amazing! 

So here we are today.  And for the record, it takes A LOT to get to this point--I've already been poked and prodded, tested up the yin yang, and both my husband and I had psyche-evaluations. A 38 page legal contract had to be gone over and signed, and now it's GAME TIME.  I think that's why my emotions are all over the place...I start birth control today to get me linked up to Cristi, and then I'll start the hormones within the next month to get me ready for the June transfer.  My last appointment with the Fertility Center is today to break down the process for next month.  The next time they see me, it will be to get me pregnant.  

On a little side note: I'm going to love Cristi and Jeff's baby.  How could I not?  In my psyche-evaluation, the Dr. discussed that it is natural for gestational carriers to form a bond with the baby, and that I need to because it makes a healthy baby.  What's crazy for me is, that I already love this baby because he/she has already been in my thoughts, my prayers, and I want this baby so badly for his/her parents.  I've had people say that they don't know how I'm going to be able to give up a baby after I go through this process.  I look at it like I'm giving BACK the baby.  But, that's the point.  After delivery, I get to go home, sleep through the night, heal, and keep on with my own little family.  No 2am feedings for me!  I'm the 24/7 nanny for this baby for 9 months.

I expect this journey to change my life.  I don't know to what magnitude yet,  but I know it's going to be good.  Thank you all again for your love and support, and for sharing this journey with us.  I'd encourage you all to share this blog, because if we can be pioneers (like Cristi said in her previous post) in figuring this all out, spreading awareness, and educating others, then we're all doing something good.  Again, here's to making a miracle!  

A Pioneer?

Hello again! This is Cristi. YOU GUYS!! My heart is BURSTING with all of the love and support we have received after our first two posts. Not even 48 hours ago, I was sitting in my bed, nervously questioning whether or not I should hit the "publish" link. My heart was racing and my mind was going 100 miles per hour with nerves. But I'm SO GLAD I DID IT! The support and encouragement we have gotten has been astounding. My heart feels like it is going to explode with joy and I have been crying happy tears for the better part of a day. We have been blown away on both Facebook and Instagram. Last night, Robin and I were texting back and forth and she mentioned that we've already gotten almost 1,000 hits on the blog. (There are even more this morning.) In just one day! That is mind boggling! We didn't know if anyone would want to read about this. But we now know this is going to be something that will be remarkable to share. And this is why we chose to be open about it. Obviously it is something that people are interested in and I pray that we can be the means of helping someone to not feel alone and isolated on their own journey. I am a firm believer that one reason we are given trials in life is to - for lack of a better term - "pay it forward." To share the lessons we've learned as we've gone through them and to help lift up those around us who may be struggling through the same things. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your love and support and encouragement in this new and exciting (and for us - unchartered) endeavor!

And along those lines - today my sister asked me the question, "How does it feel to be a pioneer?" I kind of just smiled when she asked and thought, "Um, we're definitely not pioneers!" But then I questioned -"Or wait - ARE we??" I don't feel like a "pioneer" in any form. But at the same time, her simple question got me thinking a lot. The dictionary gives the definition of "pioneer" as: "develop or be among the first to use or apply (a new method, area of knowledge, or activity)." In a way, maybe we are pioneering to an extent. I mean, gestational carrying is not new. Many people have done it. And IVF has been around for years. Yet, how many people do I know personally who have either been a gestational carrier or used a gestational carrier? One. I know one amazing woman who - just this past year - was a gestational carrier for another couple who could not have children. One person! Out of thousands of people that I know!  I know of many people who have told me, "This is something that I would have loved to have done for a friend or family member." But I think that people just don't know how to go about it. And maybe THAT'S the way that we are pioneering the path right now. I really hope that sharing our journey will make this process seem more accessible for others.  I have already had one private message from someone saying that our story has inspired her to look into being a gestational carrier and another message from a woman saying that she now feels confident in moving forward to pursue using a gestational carrier.  And, you guys, THAT is why we are sharing this!

Which brings me to another quick point - I've had a few people tell me on instagram that they can't leave a comment on this blog. And I did that on purpose. I used to keep a family blog years ago and I had a pretty negative experience and some bullying.  It made me shy away from blogging for years. And so, because of that, I have disabled comments on this blog. This is such a personal journey - and even though we are sharing it in a very public way (which I feel is the right thing to do) - I don't necessarily want strangers commenting and being negative or telling us that we are doing something wrong. If you are interested, you are more than welcome to follow along with me on Instagram. I am also open there and that is a place where you can comment.  I don't do Facebook very often. And I'm more guarded about who I "friend" on that site. But Instagram has been a fantastic support for me and the infertility community there is wonderful. If you're interested - or even if you just have a comment that you're dying to leave here but can't - my Instagram name is @hiyapapayamommy.

Once again - THANK YOU for your SUPPORT!! And LOVE!! And ENCOURAGEMENT as we begin this journey!

As Robin said in her post - here's to making a miracle!