Happy Easter, and Happy birthday, Baby Gus (April 4th)! (This is Robin)

It is a beautiful, sunny Easter morning as I sit here kid-free looking out my master bedroom window.  I had my first sleep filled night in months, and I feel like I can mentally and emotionally relate the happenings of the past 24 hours.  For those of you who follow Cristi and I on Instagram or Facebook, you already know I've given birth to a beautiful baby boy.

For some reason this morning, the waterworks are going on, and I know it's hormonal, but I've kept myself in check this whole pregnancy, and now that I'm by myself, undistracted I can't keep from just weeping.  If this post is weird, doesn't make sense, and all over the place, please forgive me.  I'm barely over 24 hours post-partum.

I went into the hospital Friday night for scheduled induction, and got there just after 8pm.  By 9, I was changed, checked in, and the nurse had performed the first check I had to see if my body had already started to make any progress.  I had already been dialated to 3cm and effaced 60%.  I was SO happy about that because it meant we could just go ahead start the petocin.  I had told Cristi and Jeff I would let them know to come on down to the hospital once the petocin started, and texted them shortly that that was all we were waiting for.  By 9:45pm, the petocin had started, and I could feel small and steady contractions within the first half hour.  Supposedly, I was already contracting on my own and they were coming regularly, they just weren't enough for me to really recognize.  The last month of this pregnancy I would randomly feel contractions but it was mostly pressure that I would feel.

We all expected labor to last 6-8 hours.  I've never had a fast labor, and inductions are typically around 6 hours.  My doctor came in probably around 10:15-10:30pm (it wasn't long after the petocin started) and broke my water, and naturally things sped up, and contractions started coming harder.  I was still able to breathe through,  laugh, and listen to conversation and that made the time go by fast.  Within an hour of petocin being started and water being broken I went from 3cm to 5cm.  At this point, the time line gets fuzzy for me.  All I know is that it I was in pain, and the contractions were fast, low, and accompanied with pressure.  Not to gross readers out, but the kind of pressure you feel when you need to have a large bowel movement.  Not pleasant.

At this point, I had stood up to go use the bathroom (thank you, IV) and changing positions made the contractions worse.  My goal for this pregnancy was to go as long as I could without the epidural so I could move around.  My tail bone took such a beating after my own son's birth, that I wanted to be able to move.  Well, for whatever reason that change in position magnified the contractions, and all laughter and joking was over for me.  My contractions always stayed low in my abdomen, and they were becoming sharp, and I had no time to regroup mentally between each one.  I asked for the epidural.

I started crying by the time the anesthesiologist came in, and at that point we knew I was at 5 cm, and my husband was there trying to coach me and provide support through the contractions.  Both Jeff and I had been concerned about my modesty--I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy, and by this point I just didn't care anymore.  They had me face the door, and Jeff and Cristi were behind me sitting, and I knew my gown was open in the back so the doctor get the epidural in, and I remember thinking how I felt so bad they could probably see my butt crack.  Hahaha--I stopped caring very shortly after.  So, long story short--the doctor couldn't get the epidural in.  My contractions were coming so fast, I couldn't stay bent over the way they needed me to, I started screaming---who know I'd be a labor and delivery screamer--and I remember feeling embarrassed.  I had the pain of contraction that were on top of each other, they were low, sharp, and burning, and spread through my lower pelvis, groin area.  I was holding the nurse's hand and my husbands, and I remember just begging for my husband to help me.  I remember just keep saying to him, "Kevin, please help me."  Meanwhile I could feel the pressure and sting of each shot, and pop through my spine of the epidural trying to get in, and then the anesthesiologist muttering "not again" because he couldn't thread the catheter through.  I also remember hearing Cristi just sobbing behind me through my own sobs, and cries of pain.  I took close to 45 minutes to actually get the epidural people!

My doctor walked in--and it was almost like a vision--he was a godsend at that moment.  I had started to have a panic attack, I couldn't breathe anymore through the contractions, and he just walked over to me and just took control.  He was holding my arms, while they helped me to get from a sitting position to laying on my side to see if that made a difference to get the epidural in, and BAM!  Epidural was in, and within a couple minutes the edge of pain was taken off, and probably within 5 minutes I was completely numb.  He checked me right away, and told me it was no wonder, I went through what I had, I was at 10cm, had gone through the transitional part of labor, and was ready to push.  WHAT??!?!  I've never gone that far into labor with my own, kids or so fast.

Dr. H changed into scrubs and within 5 minutes, I was pushing, and probably pushed for 20-25 minutes, and Baby Gus decided to make an appearance at 1:06am.  He weighed 8lbs 13oz, and measured 20 inches long.  He is PERFECTION.  And he now share's his grandmother's birthday!  So sweet!!

I'm sharing what I know both Cristi and I to be up there with one of most sacred experiences of our lives.  Two mothers, and two families joined together in love and support for one to give, and one to receive.  The fact that it is also Easter weekend is not lost to either of us.  It makes this experience even more poignant--the gift and celebration of life.

I had asked my husband to go and get pictures of Gus right away, for my personal memories, and he actually said no, "I'm staying with you," and I'm grateful.  With our own children, I would send him  off to be with them, and with Cristi and Jeff there, I realized I needed Kevin more with me while I was being stitched up, and I think it dawned on me in that moment, that Gus didn't need me anymore.  Symbolically, the baton, had been passed, and it was his mother he now needed. I'm just weeping as a type this, not because I feel sad or a sense of loss, but because FINALLY after years of waiting, and tears, and prayers, this other mother that was in my room that night, had her hearts desire finally realized.  I was listening to them cry, and ooh and ahh, and laugh over their baby, and the surprised exclamations and laughter when they found out how chunky he was, and when they saw his head of hair.  It is hands down one of my most spiritual and has quickly become one of my most treasured memories.

It was nice that we were all in the same room too for several hours after the birth because we all were exclaiming and gushing over the baby.  They asked my husband if he wanted to hold him, and my heart just melted as I watched my husband snuggle someone else's newborn baby.  I still felt that sense of pride, and overwhelming love, as he just looked down and baby talked to Gus telling how handsome he was.

I was still so numb, and in an awkward position that when Cristi and Jeff brought him over to me, it was uncomfortable to hold him, hence the awkward photo that's on social media.  I honestly just don't care that I looked like crap, and that's the only decent photo of all of us together to mark the event.

I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment--more so in some ways than with my own children.  With Gus, I had a mission to accomplish: to deliver him safely and healthy to the waiting arms of his mother and father.  I feel like I exceeded that.  His pregnancy was hard, and honestly towards the end, I hated my life, but mission accomplished, and I'm proud of it.  I'm proud that my body grew this amazing, and perfect little person with the most kissable cheeks I've ever seen on a baby.  I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of my husband for being such a rock, and I'm proud of my children who looked forward with glee to this birth, and will finally get to meet him this week.  It took my family to help me get him here, and I can't imagine doing it without them.

I told Cristi right after I delivered him, he was my honorary baby.  He will ALWAYS be my honorary baby.  He will always have a piece of my heart.  I did my absolute best to prepare emotionally for this, and I'm feeling very emotional, of course, but it's in such a good way, and I don't feel like I'm losing him any way.  I always said I got to watch him over him for 9 months, and then give him back, and the joy and sense of accomplishment I feel at doing this, is what is overwhelming.
Probably around 9:30am the next morning, Cristi and Jeff rolled him in just gushing over him, and what a good boy he was, and I was able to finally really hold him.  I was able to unwrap him, go nuts over his perfect feet and toes, and kiss those chunky cheeks, and rub that silky hair of his.  He truly is perfection.

I finally left the hospital and got home just after 4pm.  My husband and I are kid-free until later this afternoon, so we just watched movies, and stayed up late last night.  I feel really blessed to just have had that time with him--kid-free, pregnancy free, and I feel like I've been able to fall more in love with him over this whole journey and experience.  Our marriage has never been more solid, we have never been more intuned with each other, more patient, and more forgiving of each other's faults and hang-ups.  Who knew, that carrying someone else's child would strengthen my own family in the way that it has?  These are the blessings I was meant to receive from doing this.

I have felt honored to be so trusted to do this.  Cristi and Jeff, and their sweet mother's (who deserve some serious credit for raising such amazing human beings) have all said that "thank you" is such an inadequate thing to say--and I agree--I can't say "thank you" enough either.  This experience has blessed my life just as much.  I have two more friends--and they're probably my first set of "eternal" friends.  The kind of friends that I know I will hunt down in the next life, and live next door to because I couldn't in this life.  I love them both with all of my heart.  I love that they have loved me in my most vulnerable times.  When they moved to California, I felt a real sense of loss.  Not just because they're moving to my dream destination, but I have been in Utah almost 9 years, and making friends--good, solid friends that forgive you when you make mistakes, can see you ugly cry, and be honest with you--is HARD.  And when they moved, I felt like 2 more friends bit the dust.  I hadn't seen then since January, and when they walked in it was like they hadn't left at all.  Cristi has said several times to us that we have turned into family, and where I can be emotionally guarded at times, I can just as freely say the same.  They. Are. My. Family.  They always will be.

I feel like this is my last post for this blog.  I'm eternally grateful for the love and support and from those of you I know and don't know.  Your prayers have been felt.  In a world that is full of negativity, it is so wonderful to know that there is more good than bad.  There is more love than hate.  And again, I'm thankful to share these things on an Easter weekend.  Regardless of religion, the week of Easter is something that many celebrate because it's the celebration of life.  I'm thankful for baby Gus's life, and the love and connection he has brought to so many of us, and I'm thankful for the life of my Savior that has made all of this possible to begin with.  I love you all!!

xoxo

37+ Weeks

Well, I'm well into 9 months of pregnancy, and pretty much as uncomfortable as you can get.  I've had so much swelling this past week, the doctor has ordered a 24 hour urine retrieval.  GROSS.  But, sometimes you have to do what you have to do.  I'm honestly crossing my fingers that they'll find the protein in the retrieval and move the induction date up.  I should know something by tomorrow afternoon...I'm assuming, or Thursday at the latest.  Otherwise, it's just a waiting game to get baby here!

Almost 33 weeks (It's Robin)

I meant to post last week at the 32 week mark.  Oops. I will post a link tomorrow that is to an article that a local newspaper is doing on Cristi and I.  I haven't seen it yet, but I think it will provide even more insight to this situation.

What is exciting is that because we're now going with an induction, I have SIX weeks to go!!  That is SOOO very exciting for all involved.  That is...if I make it to the induction date.  I'm skeptical at this point.  My blood pressure is often too high, but if the dr/nurse can get me into a resting position, it usually drops.  I don't have any protein in my urine when they test that, so that's a good sign.  I have to go in every week now because they're keeping a close eye on me.  I've had a lot of swelling, (more so than with my past pregnancies), so they're just monitoring me closely.  My goal is to at least make it to 36 weeks.  My little boy was born at 36 weeks, and was just fine, so ideally, that's what I want for this little man.

I have very typical late pregnancy aches, pains, and complaints at this point.  I'm not sleeping well because I can't get comfortable, and because I'm not sleeping well, I'm on a short fuse.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can transform a personality.  My husband is amazing, and will tell me to go lay down when he's home, or go put my feet up.  He has been my ROCK through this, and I don't know what I would've done without him.  This baby moves A LOT, and sometimes the movement is really uncomfortable.  He will stretch out on my bladder, and a foot will be under my ribs.  Not pleasant.  I am happy to say that I haven't even gained 15 lbs yet.  That is THRILLING for me, because my weight was a concern for me BEFORE I started this whole thing.  I think genetics have to play some role in this (considering he's not biologically mine)--he could be a small baby.  Also, I'm chasing around 3 small children of my own, I work from home, and I just don't eat that much during the day.  I'm guilty of being an after dinner snacker though.  Also, indigestion is my constant companion at night.  You would think I'd learn not to eat, but I just can't help it.  It's like having an elephant sit on my chest, and sometimes it will wake me up at night (another reason why I'm not sleeping well).

Now that we're all so close the finish line, it's fun to be reflective on the past year.  I had just barely met Cristi and her husband this time last year, and within a year of knowing them, we're about to see the efforts of all of us involved.  It has certainly being an exhausting, trying, and a difficult experience at times (scary first trimester and 16 weeks of morning sickness), but ultimately, it has been rewarding.  I have learned so much about the Savior's Atonement, the power of prayer, family, and my faith has been strengthened daily.  When I first met Cristi and her husband in the nurse practitioner's office, I remember their shocked faces when I told them I didn't love being pregnant. The driving force for me was that I loved being a mother.  Motherhood transformed me into a better human being.  Even with my children being in difficult (we have two that are in the "terrible 2's and terrible 3's") stages, I wouldn't change it for anything.  My family is my life, and I am eternally grateful for the crazy, non-conventional, and out of the box prompting I had to pursue this.  I'm also so grateful for Cristi and her family because I can't imagine doing this for anyone else.  They are why this is so worth it.

Anyway...I appreciate all of you who read my ramblings, and post sweet, supportive comments here on the blog, and on Instagram.  I suspect the next time I write we could all be very close to getting this baby here, or maybe he will already be here.  We'll see...

xoxo

Hello, Third Trimester!! (it's Robin)

28 weeks has come and gone (by one day), but it's still worth documenting.  It's been an interesting month.  We (Cristi and I) have been interviewed by a journalist for a local newspaper, trailed by a photographer for a couple hours on two separate occasions, and the intended parents have made a move to Huntington Beach, California.  (Lucky them!!)

I'm getting nice and big.  Baby moves a lot, and I'm getting uncomfortable.  Otherwise, at this point I have a very typical late term pregnancy.  Not very exciting.  We have an induction date set for within the first week of April (unless baby comes earlier).  I was originally planning on just going into labor on my own, but with the move, it makes it easier for all involved to have a date picked so they can plan on travel.  I don't know who is more ready for this to all be over: Cristi or me.  Me because I'm just over being pregnant, Cristi because she's beyond excited to get her hands on her little baby.

I'm also really excited because my parents are flying in from Virginia to help while I recover, and so is my sister.  It always takes me having babies to get my family out here to Utah...maybe I should do this again.  JUST KIDDING!!

Anyway, short post for today, but now it's just a waiting game.  Baby would have a 90% chance of survival if he was born now--not that I want that, but this is why 28 weeks is a great milestone to reach.

xoxo