Join us on our journey as we document the miracle of life through the unique perspective of both the gestational carrier and parents-to-be.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Happy Easter, and Happy birthday, Baby Gus (April 4th)! (This is Robin)

It is a beautiful, sunny Easter morning as I sit here kid-free looking out my master bedroom window.  I had my first sleep filled night in months, and I feel like I can mentally and emotionally relate the happenings of the past 24 hours.  For those of you who follow Cristi and I on Instagram or Facebook, you already know I've given birth to a beautiful baby boy.

For some reason this morning, the waterworks are going on, and I know it's hormonal, but I've kept myself in check this whole pregnancy, and now that I'm by myself, undistracted I can't keep from just weeping.  If this post is weird, doesn't make sense, and all over the place, please forgive me.  I'm barely over 24 hours post-partum.

I went into the hospital Friday night for scheduled induction, and got there just after 8pm.  By 9, I was changed, checked in, and the nurse had performed the first check I had to see if my body had already started to make any progress.  I had already been dialated to 3cm and effaced 60%.  I was SO happy about that because it meant we could just go ahead start the petocin.  I had told Cristi and Jeff I would let them know to come on down to the hospital once the petocin started, and texted them shortly that that was all we were waiting for.  By 9:45pm, the petocin had started, and I could feel small and steady contractions within the first half hour.  Supposedly, I was already contracting on my own and they were coming regularly, they just weren't enough for me to really recognize.  The last month of this pregnancy I would randomly feel contractions but it was mostly pressure that I would feel.

We all expected labor to last 6-8 hours.  I've never had a fast labor, and inductions are typically around 6 hours.  My doctor came in probably around 10:15-10:30pm (it wasn't long after the petocin started) and broke my water, and naturally things sped up, and contractions started coming harder.  I was still able to breathe through,  laugh, and listen to conversation and that made the time go by fast.  Within an hour of petocin being started and water being broken I went from 3cm to 5cm.  At this point, the time line gets fuzzy for me.  All I know is that it I was in pain, and the contractions were fast, low, and accompanied with pressure.  Not to gross readers out, but the kind of pressure you feel when you need to have a large bowel movement.  Not pleasant.

At this point, I had stood up to go use the bathroom (thank you, IV) and changing positions made the contractions worse.  My goal for this pregnancy was to go as long as I could without the epidural so I could move around.  My tail bone took such a beating after my own son's birth, that I wanted to be able to move.  Well, for whatever reason that change in position magnified the contractions, and all laughter and joking was over for me.  My contractions always stayed low in my abdomen, and they were becoming sharp, and I had no time to regroup mentally between each one.  I asked for the epidural.

I started crying by the time the anesthesiologist came in, and at that point we knew I was at 5 cm, and my husband was there trying to coach me and provide support through the contractions.  Both Jeff and I had been concerned about my modesty--I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy, and by this point I just didn't care anymore.  They had me face the door, and Jeff and Cristi were behind me sitting, and I knew my gown was open in the back so the doctor get the epidural in, and I remember thinking how I felt so bad they could probably see my butt crack.  Hahaha--I stopped caring very shortly after.  So, long story short--the doctor couldn't get the epidural in.  My contractions were coming so fast, I couldn't stay bent over the way they needed me to, I started screaming---who know I'd be a labor and delivery screamer--and I remember feeling embarrassed.  I had the pain of contraction that were on top of each other, they were low, sharp, and burning, and spread through my lower pelvis, groin area.  I was holding the nurse's hand and my husbands, and I remember just begging for my husband to help me.  I remember just keep saying to him, "Kevin, please help me."  Meanwhile I could feel the pressure and sting of each shot, and pop through my spine of the epidural trying to get in, and then the anesthesiologist muttering "not again" because he couldn't thread the catheter through.  I also remember hearing Cristi just sobbing behind me through my own sobs, and cries of pain.  I took close to 45 minutes to actually get the epidural people!

My doctor walked in--and it was almost like a vision--he was a godsend at that moment.  I had started to have a panic attack, I couldn't breathe anymore through the contractions, and he just walked over to me and just took control.  He was holding my arms, while they helped me to get from a sitting position to laying on my side to see if that made a difference to get the epidural in, and BAM!  Epidural was in, and within a couple minutes the edge of pain was taken off, and probably within 5 minutes I was completely numb.  He checked me right away, and told me it was no wonder, I went through what I had, I was at 10cm, had gone through the transitional part of labor, and was ready to push.  WHAT??!?!  I've never gone that far into labor with my own, kids or so fast.

Dr. H changed into scrubs and within 5 minutes, I was pushing, and probably pushed for 20-25 minutes, and Baby Gus decided to make an appearance at 1:06am.  He weighed 8lbs 13oz, and measured 20 inches long.  He is PERFECTION.  And he now share's his grandmother's birthday!  So sweet!!

I'm sharing what I know both Cristi and I to be up there with one of most sacred experiences of our lives.  Two mothers, and two families joined together in love and support for one to give, and one to receive.  The fact that it is also Easter weekend is not lost to either of us.  It makes this experience even more poignant--the gift and celebration of life.

I had asked my husband to go and get pictures of Gus right away, for my personal memories, and he actually said no, "I'm staying with you," and I'm grateful.  With our own children, I would send him  off to be with them, and with Cristi and Jeff there, I realized I needed Kevin more with me while I was being stitched up, and I think it dawned on me in that moment, that Gus didn't need me anymore.  Symbolically, the baton, had been passed, and it was his mother he now needed. I'm just weeping as a type this, not because I feel sad or a sense of loss, but because FINALLY after years of waiting, and tears, and prayers, this other mother that was in my room that night, had her hearts desire finally realized.  I was listening to them cry, and ooh and ahh, and laugh over their baby, and the surprised exclamations and laughter when they found out how chunky he was, and when they saw his head of hair.  It is hands down one of my most spiritual and has quickly become one of my most treasured memories.

It was nice that we were all in the same room too for several hours after the birth because we all were exclaiming and gushing over the baby.  They asked my husband if he wanted to hold him, and my heart just melted as I watched my husband snuggle someone else's newborn baby.  I still felt that sense of pride, and overwhelming love, as he just looked down and baby talked to Gus telling how handsome he was.

I was still so numb, and in an awkward position that when Cristi and Jeff brought him over to me, it was uncomfortable to hold him, hence the awkward photo that's on social media.  I honestly just don't care that I looked like crap, and that's the only decent photo of all of us together to mark the event.

I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment--more so in some ways than with my own children.  With Gus, I had a mission to accomplish: to deliver him safely and healthy to the waiting arms of his mother and father.  I feel like I exceeded that.  His pregnancy was hard, and honestly towards the end, I hated my life, but mission accomplished, and I'm proud of it.  I'm proud that my body grew this amazing, and perfect little person with the most kissable cheeks I've ever seen on a baby.  I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of my husband for being such a rock, and I'm proud of my children who looked forward with glee to this birth, and will finally get to meet him this week.  It took my family to help me get him here, and I can't imagine doing it without them.

I told Cristi right after I delivered him, he was my honorary baby.  He will ALWAYS be my honorary baby.  He will always have a piece of my heart.  I did my absolute best to prepare emotionally for this, and I'm feeling very emotional, of course, but it's in such a good way, and I don't feel like I'm losing him any way.  I always said I got to watch him over him for 9 months, and then give him back, and the joy and sense of accomplishment I feel at doing this, is what is overwhelming.
Probably around 9:30am the next morning, Cristi and Jeff rolled him in just gushing over him, and what a good boy he was, and I was able to finally really hold him.  I was able to unwrap him, go nuts over his perfect feet and toes, and kiss those chunky cheeks, and rub that silky hair of his.  He truly is perfection.

I finally left the hospital and got home just after 4pm.  My husband and I are kid-free until later this afternoon, so we just watched movies, and stayed up late last night.  I feel really blessed to just have had that time with him--kid-free, pregnancy free, and I feel like I've been able to fall more in love with him over this whole journey and experience.  Our marriage has never been more solid, we have never been more intuned with each other, more patient, and more forgiving of each other's faults and hang-ups.  Who knew, that carrying someone else's child would strengthen my own family in the way that it has?  These are the blessings I was meant to receive from doing this.

I have felt honored to be so trusted to do this.  Cristi and Jeff, and their sweet mother's (who deserve some serious credit for raising such amazing human beings) have all said that "thank you" is such an inadequate thing to say--and I agree--I can't say "thank you" enough either.  This experience has blessed my life just as much.  I have two more friends--and they're probably my first set of "eternal" friends.  The kind of friends that I know I will hunt down in the next life, and live next door to because I couldn't in this life.  I love them both with all of my heart.  I love that they have loved me in my most vulnerable times.  When they moved to California, I felt a real sense of loss.  Not just because they're moving to my dream destination, but I have been in Utah almost 9 years, and making friends--good, solid friends that forgive you when you make mistakes, can see you ugly cry, and be honest with you--is HARD.  And when they moved, I felt like 2 more friends bit the dust.  I hadn't seen then since January, and when they walked in it was like they hadn't left at all.  Cristi has said several times to us that we have turned into family, and where I can be emotionally guarded at times, I can just as freely say the same.  They. Are. My. Family.  They always will be.

I feel like this is my last post for this blog.  I'm eternally grateful for the love and support and from those of you I know and don't know.  Your prayers have been felt.  In a world that is full of negativity, it is so wonderful to know that there is more good than bad.  There is more love than hate.  And again, I'm thankful to share these things on an Easter weekend.  Regardless of religion, the week of Easter is something that many celebrate because it's the celebration of life.  I'm thankful for baby Gus's life, and the love and connection he has brought to so many of us, and I'm thankful for the life of my Savior that has made all of this possible to begin with.  I love you all!!


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

37+ Weeks

Well, I'm well into 9 months of pregnancy, and pretty much as uncomfortable as you can get.  I've had so much swelling this past week, the doctor has ordered a 24 hour urine retrieval.  GROSS.  But, sometimes you have to do what you have to do.  I'm honestly crossing my fingers that they'll find the protein in the retrieval and move the induction date up.  I should know something by tomorrow afternoon...I'm assuming, or Thursday at the latest.  Otherwise, it's just a waiting game to get baby here!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Almost 33 weeks (It's Robin)

I meant to post last week at the 32 week mark.  Oops. I will post a link tomorrow that is to an article that a local newspaper is doing on Cristi and I.  I haven't seen it yet, but I think it will provide even more insight to this situation.

What is exciting is that because we're now going with an induction, I have SIX weeks to go!!  That is SOOO very exciting for all involved.  That is...if I make it to the induction date.  I'm skeptical at this point.  My blood pressure is often too high, but if the dr/nurse can get me into a resting position, it usually drops.  I don't have any protein in my urine when they test that, so that's a good sign.  I have to go in every week now because they're keeping a close eye on me.  I've had a lot of swelling, (more so than with my past pregnancies), so they're just monitoring me closely.  My goal is to at least make it to 36 weeks.  My little boy was born at 36 weeks, and was just fine, so ideally, that's what I want for this little man.

I have very typical late pregnancy aches, pains, and complaints at this point.  I'm not sleeping well because I can't get comfortable, and because I'm not sleeping well, I'm on a short fuse.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can transform a personality.  My husband is amazing, and will tell me to go lay down when he's home, or go put my feet up.  He has been my ROCK through this, and I don't know what I would've done without him.  This baby moves A LOT, and sometimes the movement is really uncomfortable.  He will stretch out on my bladder, and a foot will be under my ribs.  Not pleasant.  I am happy to say that I haven't even gained 15 lbs yet.  That is THRILLING for me, because my weight was a concern for me BEFORE I started this whole thing.  I think genetics have to play some role in this (considering he's not biologically mine)--he could be a small baby.  Also, I'm chasing around 3 small children of my own, I work from home, and I just don't eat that much during the day.  I'm guilty of being an after dinner snacker though.  Also, indigestion is my constant companion at night.  You would think I'd learn not to eat, but I just can't help it.  It's like having an elephant sit on my chest, and sometimes it will wake me up at night (another reason why I'm not sleeping well).

Now that we're all so close the finish line, it's fun to be reflective on the past year.  I had just barely met Cristi and her husband this time last year, and within a year of knowing them, we're about to see the efforts of all of us involved.  It has certainly being an exhausting, trying, and a difficult experience at times (scary first trimester and 16 weeks of morning sickness), but ultimately, it has been rewarding.  I have learned so much about the Savior's Atonement, the power of prayer, family, and my faith has been strengthened daily.  When I first met Cristi and her husband in the nurse practitioner's office, I remember their shocked faces when I told them I didn't love being pregnant. The driving force for me was that I loved being a mother.  Motherhood transformed me into a better human being.  Even with my children being in difficult (we have two that are in the "terrible 2's and terrible 3's") stages, I wouldn't change it for anything.  My family is my life, and I am eternally grateful for the crazy, non-conventional, and out of the box prompting I had to pursue this.  I'm also so grateful for Cristi and her family because I can't imagine doing this for anyone else.  They are why this is so worth it.

Anyway...I appreciate all of you who read my ramblings, and post sweet, supportive comments here on the blog, and on Instagram.  I suspect the next time I write we could all be very close to getting this baby here, or maybe he will already be here.  We'll see...


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Hello, Third Trimester!! (it's Robin)

28 weeks has come and gone (by one day), but it's still worth documenting.  It's been an interesting month.  We (Cristi and I) have been interviewed by a journalist for a local newspaper, trailed by a photographer for a couple hours on two separate occasions, and the intended parents have made a move to Huntington Beach, California.  (Lucky them!!)

I'm getting nice and big.  Baby moves a lot, and I'm getting uncomfortable.  Otherwise, at this point I have a very typical late term pregnancy.  Not very exciting.  We have an induction date set for within the first week of April (unless baby comes earlier).  I was originally planning on just going into labor on my own, but with the move, it makes it easier for all involved to have a date picked so they can plan on travel.  I don't know who is more ready for this to all be over: Cristi or me.  Me because I'm just over being pregnant, Cristi because she's beyond excited to get her hands on her little baby.

I'm also really excited because my parents are flying in from Virginia to help while I recover, and so is my sister.  It always takes me having babies to get my family out here to Utah...maybe I should do this again.  JUST KIDDING!!

Anyway, short post for today, but now it's just a waiting game.  Baby would have a 90% chance of survival if he was born now--not that I want that, but this is why 28 weeks is a great milestone to reach.


Sunday, December 21, 2014

24 Weeks, tomorrow! (It's Robin)

This past month has flown for me, which is a nice change of pace considering the first 20 weeks dragged.  Six months tomorrow, people!  IF for some crazy reason I had the baby there's a chance he could survive...not that I think I will--but these are all milestones!

So, Baby Boy is doing great!  I had my 24 week check up on Friday, and his heartbeat was in the normal range and I'm measuring at exactly 24 weeks.  If I'm still and laying on my back, I can even feel movement now on the outside of my stomach.  Considering this is my 5th pregnancy, I'm the smallest I've ever been size wise with this little dude.  In all honesty, I was also at my highest weight when I started this pregnancy, so I think that has something to do with it.

Now, for those of you who want to tune out (I'm going to vent here in a moment), feel free.  I've shared before that this has been a difficult pregnancy in ways I never anticipated or have experienced before.  For the past 6 weeks I've been experiencing sporadic heart racing and shortness of breath to the point it's scared me.  I talked to the doctor about it, and there isn't any arithmea (spelling?), but he thinks I'm just doing too much.  It has been really hard for me because it happens even when I'm not doing anything, and I just CAN'T BREATHE.  It's a horrible feeling.

This past week, my husband traveled, and I think the FIRST day he was gone, I called my sweet dad up in tears because I didn't think I could get through the week.  My two youngest are in HARD stages, I'm not sleeping well because of baby, getting up to pee multiple times a night, and I'm constantly shifting positions to try and get comfortable because my hips bother me a ton at night.  And on top of it all, I struggle with CHRONIC fatigue.  It's hard to explain why the fatigue is so hard to deal with when you can't SEE why I don't feel well.  And to add to it, I work from home, and started a different position, so that has added to the stress.

Back to the doctor's appointment: when I was talking with him, and he was expressing concern that I was just doing too much, I was just thinking, what do you expect me to do?  He suggested I fly someone out to help when my husband travels in January (he'll be gone even longer), AND in February when he's gone for another week.  I'd chop off my right arm if I could--but my family is far away, and you have to think of time off work, money to get them out here.  Also, my husband came home sick from New York, and my response (after the week from hell I had) was how dare you come home sick?  Crappy wife, right?  And now, I have a nasty cold.  I blame him.  Yesterday, we finally talked and I broke down and ugly cried that I was terrified to have another repeat experience in January and February.

Now onto the positive: my doctor is one of the reasons I moved forward with being a gestational carrier.  He shares my faith, and before I left the appointment, he told me he knew I was inspired to do this, and that even though it was difficult it was worth it.  His vote of confidence meant more than he'll ever know.  After weeks like this past one, when I'm asking myself over and over why I did this to myself, I felt very humbled and was reminded that there is so much more to this than just aches and pains, missing spouses, and naughty children.  I'm playing a role in someone else's ETERNAL FAMILY, and that is a gift to me.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas.  I hope that you remember the real meaning behind the season, and that the first gift of Christmas was the Savior.  Because of Him, I can get through difficult weeks.  Because of Him, I can be with my family for eternity.  Whatever faith you may be, I hope you find the strength to persevere, and find joy in your lives.  Merry Christmas!


Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's Robin-just a little update

I have finally started to feel a shift from early pregnancy symptoms to the comfortable second trimester stage.

I am 18 weeks and 5 days along, and FINALLY (as within the last week) the nausea has abated.  I still get weird hits and misses of nausea, but it's nothing like what it was.  So that's WINNING in my book!!  I was starting to feel kind of down because I just never felt good.  I'm grateful to start feeling a little bit more back to myself.

My life is busy with a work from home job, three children (4, 3, and 2), who are in constant motion, a dog who has had diarrhea for the last month, (she's finally on medication), and I'm still not sleeping well.  I'm constantly fatigued, and I get weird aches and pains from growing to accommodate Baby.  I've been overly emotional, sensitive, and on a short fuse, and now I remember why my husband swore up and down I would never be pregnant again.  ...And here we are. He really deserves an award-he's been my ROCK.  My appetite is finally starting to come back which could be a good and bad thing considering I'm really trying to watch my weight with this pregnancy.

I'm not feeling regular movement yet.  Within the last week I've felt some movement, which was easily recognizable has the baby, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's another few weeks before any regular movement starts to occur.  I was a lot like this with my little boy.  My girls I felt earlier, but my little boy started moving closer to the 24 week mark, and then he never stopped.  Maybe it's a boy thing.

I don't talk about the Baby with my children often, but I'm always so grateful when they say something and they remember he's Cristi's.  Today, my 3 year old was getting out of the car, and was hugging me, and then leaned down, and said "I need to hug the baby and kiss him," and then proceeded to kiss my tummy.  So sweet, and it just melts my heart.  Another funny thing is that my contract says I can't do high impact exercise, so when my kids are like "Mommy, run!" I'm legally obligated NOT to.  Again, WINNING!  (I actually like to run, but saying that I can't run for legal reasons is kind of funny).

I'm feeling very mentally strong as things progress and move forward.  I have absolutely no worry (at this point which is bizarre considering my biggest concern was my emotional welfare after the birth), that I'll be able to walk away without feeling a sense of loss.  Women ask me constantly how I'm able to emotionally do this, and honestly, as I get further along in the process, it gets easier for me.  I didn't want to be pregnant for myself, or bring a baby home, and this process was so manipulated that there's already a level of detachment.  My mentality is that I'm the babysitter.  I have no expectations of having a relationship with this child, and I feel myself starting to look at it just an act of service.  I'm a tool that God is using to provide something for another family, and that's a great place to be.  I hope that makes sense.

So there's the update in my life as a gestational carrier!  There is such a need for women to do this, and if you're remotely interested, look into it, and educate yourselves!  Until next time-xoxo!

Monday, October 27, 2014

16 WEEKS! (It's me again, Robin!)

Can I just say, that it is amazing that this blog gets WORLD WIDE hits!  To name a few, CYPRUS, POLAND, SINGAPORE, GREAT BRITAIN, FRANCE, AUSTRALIA, etc.  I'm amazed at how the internet has made the world a smaller place, and that we can learn from each other by using these forums!

I hope you all aren't getting bored from hearing from me, but Cristi has had A LOT on her plate the last few months, but trust me, she appreciates the support our families are receiving during this process more than you'll ever know.

So, Baby is doing GREAT!!  This makes me one VERY happy gestational carrier.  Considering this has been a ridiculously hard 16 weeks, it makes is all worth it when I know that the sweet little life in me is happy.  The baby's heart beat was found right away, and was exactly where it should be (beats per minute), and I'm growing right on track.  I'm having ligament pains, which is normal, but sometimes uncomfortable.  Because I have had so much nausea and food aversion, I've LOST weight.  Who knew that it would take me voluntarily getting pregnant to finally lose weight?  That's irony at it's best.

Hearing a baby's heartbeat is always a special experience.  I don't care whose baby it is, it never gets old.  I feel so lucky that this little man gets to be my buddy for the next several months, and then I can pass him on to his mother.  Now that I getting past the nausea, I feel kind of lucky that I get to experience pregnancy again without having to go through the newborn stage.  I may not be saying this in a couple months, but for now, I'm going with it.

And for your viewing pleasure, here's a 16 week bump shot!

Again, thank you for reading our stories!  I hope this blog is doing some good out there in the world!

Monday, October 6, 2014

Happy 2nd Trimester!! (This is Robin)

WE MADE IT TO THE SECOND TRIMESTER!!!  13 WEEKS TODAY!!  I'm ALWAYS giddy at week 13 because it's a milestone in any pregnancy!

Here's an update on the past month:

This pregnancy has been hands down my hardest.  WHAT THE HECK?!?  I have been somewhat taken aback because I've experienced certain things I never thought I would.  Almost EVERY day from 12 pm on I'm nauseated.  I haven't thrown up, but man, it's one of the most unpleasant things I've ever gone through.  The smell of my home makes me gag (it's a new home and smells like new construction), which has made settling in more challenging.  I have a STRONG food aversion.  If I even THINK about certain food I will gag.  It's CRAZY!  Anyway...enough of the bad...

The good is that I have FELT THE BABY MOVE ALREADY!!  You might think I'm nuts, but this is my FIFTH pregnancy, and I know what baby movement feels like.  Also, at my 12 week appointment, they couldn't find the heartbeat using doppler (wasn't worried about that-they didn't find heartbeats with doppler this early for my last 2 kids) so we had another ultrasound, and you could see the little guy moving all around and even make out his little feet.  In the ultrasound we could see that the placenta is in front, and baby is low.  I carried my little boy low, so I don't know if it's a boy thing or what.  Who knows?  Of course I don't regularly feel movement, but every now and then he lets me know he's hanging out.  I'm also already wearing maternity clothes.  My doctor was saying the more pregnancies you experience, the sooner you pop because of muscle memory.

This has been quite the journey!  This has been the HARDEST thing I have voluntarily done, but all I have to do is think about the miracle that is taking place in so many lives.  I think we often put limitations on ourselves on what we think we can and can't do, and I think you'd all be surprised at what we're really capable of going through, surviving, and transforming ourselves into because of those experiences.  I have learned so much about myself, I have been humbled more than I ever thought I would be, and I've SURVIVED THE HARDEST FIRST TRIMESTER I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED.

In SIX short months, Cristi is going to get to hold and snuggle her son, and that right there, my friends, makes this all worth it!  

Monday, September 8, 2014

9 Weeks and Counting (This is Robin)

I figured it was time to update this little blogaroo.

Cristi posts a lot of updates on Instagram and her username is "hiyapapayamommy."  She's posted ultrasound photos, and little personal updates if you're wondering about her.  If you want to follow me as well my username on Instagram is "robinwhite915."  I'm not too active on Instagram, but I will post things occasionally.

So, for me, the first trimester for this pregnancy has reminded me constantly why my  husband and I completed our family with 3 children.  It's true--you FORGET.  I have had a lot of minor menstrual type cramping and spotting which always stresses me out.  I went into the fertility center for an ultrasound and they were able to see a subchorionic bleed in my uterus.  I've had them before, but anytime there is spotting, it's still alarming.  What NEVER gets old is watching a little life grow!  It's amazing that at this stage the little man already looks like a little gummy bear!  He's going to be a handsome fellow!

I RARELY feel nauseous, but I've had more of it with this pregnancy, and some serious food aversion.  And of course some serious fatigue.  My waist is already gone (let's be real--what waist I did have), and I can't button my pants I'm so bloated.  I have three small children who are in constant motion, I work from home, and I'm not sleeping well.  (We're in a new house and it always takes me a while to start sleeping well in a new place).  Believe it or not, I'm grateful for these small symptoms because its a reminder that my body is adapting to taking care of this little man.

I go in Wednesday for my last Fertility Center appointment and they will let me know how to start weening myself off the medication.  I. CAN'T. WAIT. The progesterone shots are painful because they cause the muscles to bead up, and it feels like I'm laying on rocks. It will be a GREAT day when the meds stop.

I've already started talking to a doula to start preparing for a natural childbirth.  I'm still planning on a hospital delivery--just with the assistance of a doula. My last labor and deliver experience was miserable, and that was with an epidural, so I figure, I'm going natural with this one!

I have felt a shift in my emotional state over the last few weeks.  I was REALLY concerned with how attached I would be to this little boy, and of course I'm going to love him, but I'm actually looking forward to leaving the hospital without a newborn.  The excitement that I feel is FOR Cristi and her husband, and we joke about that I get to go home and sleep and they get the sleepless nights.  I'm SO grateful those days are behind me, and I'm SO grateful those days are ahead for Cristi.

I know some of you might be feeling sorry for me and thinking "ONLY 9 weeks along...poor girl," but EVERY week is a milestone!  This baby is such a miracle, and I feel blessed to be a part of this experience.

Now, I know people from all walks of life and from all religious backgrounds read this blog, so I hope you'll bear with me. Please know I'm just sharing what MY spiritual journey has been so far through MY understanding of God and His plan for us.

So, I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...aka Mormon. I never anticipated what a spiritual journey this would be for me.  I told Cristi the other day (at least I think I did--if I didn't, I blame it on pregnancy brain) that I originally thought that going through this would help redeem me from my own mediocrity.  The more I thought about it,the more I came to understand that I've already been redeemed from my self-perceived mediocrity.  The Savior has already taken care of that for me through His Atonement.  There is nothing I can do in this life, great or small, that will compare to what has already been done for me through the actions of the Savior.  I feel like this process is a gift from God because it allows me a little more insight into the Atonement (the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus).  When I brought my own children into the world, I had a small idea of what the Savior did for me. To suffer for me, to bleed for me, and to die for me so that I would have a way to make it back to my Father in Heaven.  This time around, I feel like I get an even greater sense of that because not only am I going to suffer to get this little boy here, but I voluntarily put myself in this position to do it for another family.  In no way am I comparing myself to Jesus.  Please understand that.  What I'm trying to say is that I feel like this experience is providing me with an opportunity and insight to see through even more focused spiritual eyes how completely the Savior suffered for ME.  All because He loved me.

I sincerely hope that what I'm TRYING to say is coming across.  I feel like this journey is providing me with a way to grow closer to the Savior and also providing me with a greater understanding of WHY He did what He did for me.  It was because of love.


Monday, July 28, 2014

HAPPY TRANSFER DAY!!! (This is Robin)

So my last post was about how I was feeling anxious--well, it has ESCALATED to full on crazy girl ANXIETY!

I had never felt so alone last night.

My husband called it:  he told me when we went to bed to have fun tossing and turning all night.   We went to bed at 10ish, and by 11pm, I was sick of tossing and turning, left the room, and watched some trashy reality TV (and ate some Half Baked Ben & Jerry's) until 1:30am.  I have moved on from cake to ice cream!  I am my mother's daughter!  

Some of you may be wondering why the anxiety?  Honestly--look at it from my perspective--it's not just about being pregnant.  I have spent MONTHS preparing mentally, emotionally, and physically (not that anyone can really tell).  I have poured so much energy into this, and invested so much of myself into people whom don't know me very well, and whom I don't know very well, and it's FINALLY here.  Pregnancy can be risky to begin with, but when I had to take out a life insurance policy to do this, it makes you think a little bit more about those risks.

I think what I'm feeling is normal--at least I hope.  I can honestly say, that despite all the anxiety, I know what I'm doing is the right thing, and I draw peace from that.

PLEASE pray, or do whatever you do and send good vibes into the universe that this is successful. The transfer is at 2:30pm MST, so it's so close!  Hopefully, in 10 days we'll get a nice POSITIVE result!