I've been a bit hesitant about posting lately. For one thing, I'm an emotional MESS. Am I thankful to be in a position in life to be able to be going through this process? AB-so-freaking-LUTELY! I am BLESSED! But at the same time, you guys, these hormone meds are making me CRAZY. I'm in a crying fit one minute and angry at the world the next. This is so not like me! I think I'm a fairly mellow and even-keeled person. And I'm never angry at the world!! I'm usually pretty dang positive (if I do say so myself - it's one of the traits I've worked hardest to possess in life - seeing the glass as half full). This is taking me back to my teens and early 20's when I wasn't hormonally regulated and was a mood-swingged mess. The good news is that at least I'm aware that it's "only" hormones and that this is NOT me. But at the same time, it's something that I'm aware of, and yet feel like I have no control over. I like feeling emotionally regulated and balanced. And that's one part of going through all of this that is lacking. BUT I know it's only temporary and I also know that it is SOOOOOO worth it!!! Every emotional minute!!
I think I mentioned in my first post (or maybe my second or maybe I didn't mention it at all, I don't remember and I'm too lazy to go back and check) that I used to keep a blog years ago (before we had kids and when we were in the midst of our first infertility struggles) and then I stopped when I had someone tell me that my posts came across as "bragging" because I would often write about my blessings - especially the blessing of my good and supportive husband. I didn't like knowing that my words were inadvertently hurting or offending anyone, so I stopped. But in order to share this journey of gestational carrying with you, I put that behind me and decided to be brave and put myself out there once more. Then this past week the wind was kind of taken out of my sails again when someone told me that my writing comes across as "painting a picture of having so many struggles when [I] actually know very little about what it's like to struggle."
I've been pondering both of these statements a lot. And, mind you, I'm an emotional basket case right now, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but they seem to be contradictory. I unintentionally offended one person because they thought I was bragging too much about being blessed and another person because they thought I was complaining and saying I'm not blessed enough. And here's what I decided it boils down to: I don't want to "paint a picture" of anything. Except what life is really like for me. I just want to be raw and open about MY feelings and my life. I'm not "putting on a show" or trying to brag or rub anything in anyone's face. I'm also not trying to complain and say that my life is harder than anyone else's. All I want to be is real. My own personal real. My MAIN GOAL in social media is to be myself and to be authentic. I've always had that goal. I have realized that I can't please everyone. Not everyone I meet is going to like me or believe me. And no matter what, there will always be a few people who judge me and decide they don't like what they see. And, do you know what? THAT'S OKAY. I'm finally realizing, in my mid 30's, that it's OKAY. I still need to work on not being bothered when people tell me that they don't like something that I'm doing. I can have 100 comments that are amazing and encouraging and loving and if I get just one person criticizing me, that's ALL I can think about. I dwell on it and let it discourage me. I wish I was better at learning from what people say instead of taking is so personally and letting it eat at me. But, luckily, this life is all about growth and change and improvement. And I'm working on it.
These are all things that come with being open and with "putting myself out there." I open myself up to a certain vulnerability. But while I know there are going to be people who don't like me, there will also be people who do. I can't change anyone's minds. I can only be me. And for every one negative comment, there are about 50 positive ones. One person told me, "For every one person you offend, you inspire more than a dozen. Don't quit being you." Reading comments like "Your beautiful life inspires me to be a better wife and mother" and "You make me feel stronger and less lonely" (just two comments I got this past week on Instagram) are what keep me going.
I know that I need to push forward and continue being me. I can't let anything stop me from what I know I am MEANT to be doing - and that is sharing our journey. I absolutely cannot let opposition stop me from that. I have a lot to learn and a lot of work to do to become more Christlike. I'm so far from being perfect and that's the main thing that these life lessons have taught me.
This is a long post, but I wanted to explain why I've been somewhat silent recently. I really want to share our first few appointments at the fertility center with you guys and explain more about the medications I'm on and their purpose and side effects. I also want to share some of our emotions from going through this experience up to this point. But I will do that in another post. I'm sure I've lost 90% of my readership already! Ha! (I'm "wordy.") :)
Lots of love,
Cristi
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