The out pouring of love and support this week has been so immense that I feel like need to express some serious heartfelt gratitude. Thank you all so very much!!! All of you that I do know--wow!! I'm so glad to have you in my life, and I hope you'll continue to be a part of this journey. Those that I don't know, THANK YOU! Thank you for sharing your stories of struggle and triumph. I'm constantly amazed at how a common struggle can ban people together to provide a community of support and love. My heart is so full!!
I've had a lot to think about this week because up to this point, this has felt SURREAL! Not anymore, and it has been OVERWHELMING! My emotions have been all over the place. Scared, uncertain, nervous, so very happy, grateful, and very humbled. I'm so very humbled that Cristi and Jeff would put their trust in me to carry their baby and to be a part of their family in this small way.
I think it's time to share a little more of my back story. Again, I'm putting myself out there, and sharing a lot of personal information, but the point of this blog is to be real, raw, uncensored, and honest. Deep breath, and here it goes!
My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage just after 11 weeks. We had seen the baby's heartbeat around 8 weeks and sometime between then and 11 weeks the baby died, I had to have a D&C. Being so far from home (I'm from Richmond, Virginia) I had never felt so alone and lonely because my family was back East. To this day, I still think of that baby. The crazy thing, is that before it had even happened, a part of me knew that I wouldn't get to ever hold that baby. I was studying in the Union Building up at the University of Utah and I had put my head down and fell asleep. I remember I jerked myself awake because I had dreamed the baby had no heartbeat. The next day was my doctor's appoint, and sure enough the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. The doctor sent me down for an ultrasound right away, and my husband just held my hand while I wept when they confirmed what I already knew. I guess I'm sharing this because I've felt the sadness of what it's like to not have a baby I so desperately wanted. Yes, I went on to have more children, but I can relate on some level to that feeling of disappointment that many feel when struggling with infertility.
I went on to have three children in 2.5 years. I have easy pregnancies. I have NEVER had a bout of morning sickness. Not even the slightest tinge of nausea, so I'm very lucky in that regard. However, I'm not one of those women that loves being pregnant. I do love the second trimester when I can feel movement, before I get uncomfortable. When I told Cristi and Jeff that I didn't love being pregnant in our first meeting, I could tell that I had surprised them a little bit. My love lies in being a mother. That's where the motivation comes from to do this. Motherhood transformed me. I am a much better person because of my children, and that's where I'm drawing from, and why I knew I could do this for another family.
That said, the second part of this was the family for me to do this for. I was so nervous to meet Cristi and Jeff for the first time, that I wanted to puke. Hindsight, I don't know why because I honestly didn't think the first couple I met would be "The Couple." Anyway, for those of you who know Cristi and Jeff-- you know why I'm doing this for them. For those of you who don't know them, I wish you did. They're amazing!
So here we are today. And for the record, it takes A LOT to get to this point--I've already been poked and prodded, tested up the yin yang, and both my husband and I had psyche-evaluations. A 38 page legal contract had to be gone over and signed, and now it's GAME TIME. I think that's why my emotions are all over the place...I start birth control today to get me linked up to Cristi, and then I'll start the hormones within the next month to get me ready for the June transfer. My last appointment with the Fertility Center is today to break down the process for next month. The next time they see me, it will be to get me pregnant.
On a little side note: I'm going to love Cristi and Jeff's baby. How could I not? In my psyche-evaluation, the Dr. discussed that it is natural for gestational carriers to form a bond with the baby, and that I need to because it makes a healthy baby. What's crazy for me is, that I already love this baby because he/she has already been in my thoughts, my prayers, and I want this baby so badly for his/her parents. I've had people say that they don't know how I'm going to be able to give up a baby after I go through this process. I look at it like I'm giving BACK the baby. But, that's the point. After delivery, I get to go home, sleep through the night, heal, and keep on with my own little family. No 2am feedings for me! I'm the 24/7 nanny for this baby for 9 months.
I expect this journey to change my life. I don't know to what magnitude yet, but I know it's going to be good. Thank you all again for your love and support, and for sharing this journey with us. I'd encourage you all to share this blog, because if we can be pioneers (like Cristi said in her previous post) in figuring this all out, spreading awareness, and educating others, then we're all doing something good. Again, here's to making a miracle!
